I want my child to be his own person.

I love how his favorite color is pink, he wants to paint his nails black, he dances to music, he likes head banging to rock with me, he's sporty yet a total gamer nerd, he asks a lot of questions (I mean, a lot!), he enjoys chick flicks and playing dolls with his sister(s), he still sleeps with a stuffed puppy, dragon and pink/purple unicorn and bubble baths are a must for bath time.

Yet, I worry about him and how mean other kids are. He openly expresses his favorite things to everyone - especially how pink is awesome. It makes me smile. One day he's going to come home and probably change how he sees all of these favorites though just because someone chose to pick on him. What then? The last thing I want is for his spirit to be crushed.

Being a mom is hard.
Being a kid is harder.

i hear you.

"The reason why some people have turned against you and walked away from you had nothing to do with you. It is because I have removed them from your life because they cannot go where I am taking you next. They would hinder you at the next level because they have already served their purpose in your life. Let them go and keep moving. Greater is coming your way."

Insomnia.

Everything isn't meant to last forever. The people you want most in your life are sometimes the people you're best without. I've spent too much of my life trying to create relationships with seasonal people. I can only blame myself for giving them expectations that I know they couldn't live up too. I was trying to force something that would never be. I've learned that just because someone comes into your life, doesn't mesn they're meant to stay. Some relationships just have to close without closure. Holding on made sense until I learned to let go.

take the plunge.

Oh my.

Did I really?

Yes, I did. 

It's done. 

Finito.

I am so nervous. 

I am so excited.

I am so scared.

But you know what? 

I am so proud of myself! 

I can't believe I've taken this huge risk with my life.

The life of five people!

I pray to God that I made the right choice but…what's life without a few risks? At least I've got the support of everyone I love <3

acceptance

I wanted to change the world, to make it all worthwhile. So I put pen to paper and poured out everything inside. My red eyes are tearing up at the woman I've become. Slowly, but surely on the fast track to falling into my grave

Forgiveness will set you free - so they say. I don't want to hold onto this hate anymore.

It hasn't taken as long as it usually does to get to this place. I still have my moments which can sometimes be difficult to get through but as I've said before, this time its different.

You see, when you hold onto hard feelings it continues to give the other person power over the situation. It's time to shut it down. I no longer wish to give anyone power over me. I am not someones puppet and I refuse to be treated as if I am beneath you.

I can't believe I've come so far in such a time and I'm still fighting on my own. If I stop to catch my breath I might never breathe again.

I had my 'ah-ha' moment, if you will. My unspoken closure. My brain finally worked out the riddle to this ridiculous, nearly decade long yo-yo affect. I still don't understand why it had to be this way but I am also free in a way because I know deep down, it really isn't me. For so long I questioned: why? what did I do? could I have been different? did I say something? do something? behave a certain way? am I a child?

No, I am a grown woman who has feelings and an understanding of the world and how things typically work. I also don't let people speak to me in a condescending way. So that's it. No more five stages of grief for this girl. I'm finally able to release and move forward. Will it continue to hurt? Absolutely. If it didn't then it meant nothing. Will I continue to let it hinder my self worth? Absolutely, not.

I am thankful I have had this blogger as my outlet to release these emotions that were too difficult to speak.

Ive never been so torn up in all of my life. I can't believe I let myself break down. I should have seen this coming. I've never felt so hopeless than I do tonight. I don't wanna do this anymore…. I'm moving on.

Depression

What is my purpose here on this earth? How can one person make me feel this way? I wish I had an understanding of it all. There's an elephant sitting on me, weighing me down, pushing me into the dirt. I'm sleepy and tired. So tired of everything. 

People tell me to smile and get over it but its not that easy and why am I relying on what everyone else's says anyways? Im not an influential person. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else's perspective though. And boy, do I know a lot of opinionated people.

You don't care about me at all. Im just your filler until you get your next fix. Your next high that is better than me. Why string me along all this time? Why not just let me go? Why did you seek me out in the first place? I never asked for this! 

It didn't last as long this time. The depression. The last time was the worst. Nearly a year! This time was just a week until I had my 'ah-ha' moment. Everyone needs that moment. The clarity. The window to the soul where you see everything. 

I suppose I should save the rest of this for my next and final post. Acceptance.

Bargaining

Perhaps I shouldn't have even gone. Maybe I should have just stayed home and been oblivious to it all. I didn't need to have my eyes opened, right? The veil is good over them. Its safe under there and warm. Being that clueless friend might get you joked on but it spares your heartache. I'd rather be blind than cruel.

Was I the best person that I could have been up until those final moments? I know I wasn't always the most positive version of myself and there were green times but that's normal. I tried and that's all that matters.

Maybe I should have gotten a second opinion. Third opinion. Fourth….. Would that have changed things? At least now I know and Im not being that clueless friend who thinks everyone is perfect and can do no wrong. 

I'm starting to think its better to be naive.

Anger

What the hell is wrong with you?! You have the audacity to be upset with me?? After all the shit I have put up with from you, you think that this is right? That this is fair? I am such an idiot. I thought that I had some intelligence in this brain of mine but clearly I was wrong. Only a moron would let all of this back in again. You say you were "warned" about me. That you shouldn't let me in. Who sought who out? Who emailed whom? Who called first? Who is the one who always causes this??? I am so tired of being made out like I am the bad guy. If I am wrong I will admit I am wrong.

I want to punch a wall. I want to punch your face. I want to shake you and tell you to say something! I gave you the opportunity to stop me from walking out that door. But you didn't. You just let me go like I meant nothing to you. Maybe I don't. Maybe all this time it was just a facade. But why? It makes no sense. How can a person be so loving and doting and then just piss on you? Why do you say one thing and I feel it from your heart but your actions say another. Why am I always struggling to feel involved in your life? 

Remember when Brooke was crying to Lucas at Naley's wedding and said,"why don't you ever just let me all the way in??" it was the turning point for their relationship. Lucas didn't know why he couldn't let her in but Brooke knew. Deep down. Now I know too. Its the worst feeling ever that's for sure. Just to realize that the person you love with every fiber of your being doesn't feel the same way about you. They prefer others. Every….single….time. It's always someone else.

Being 31 years old you think I've had enough life experience to know how to read people but even after all this time and even though I am an empath I still can't read you. At one time the word 'soul mates' came to mind. We're not. The ESP was nothing but coincidence.

I need the upset and the anger to melt away. I don't want it to consume me. I hate everything about you. Why the hell do I love you? 

Denial & Isolation

I'm alone with my thoughts as I travel down this winding, long road. I feel like nothing has changed. I'm the same person as is everyone else. This is just another day. Just another Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday… The sun is bright but the clouds are looming in the distance. Looks like rain. Take cover!

My life is as it is and all is good. All is good. All…is…good…. right? But….

No! 

No! 

All is good, dammit. I refuse to let the sadness in. I refuse to let it get the best of me. I don't deserve that. Too much has happened to allow anything real to sink in. I'll just sit here, listening to the radio and pretend like I am fine. 

I'm not.

But, I am. I have to be. Everyone else is depending on me to be fine. No one understands.

I am fine.

I am perfect.

You won't break me.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

When did it happen? Why didn't I see it coming? I wonder if the signs were there and I just chose to ignore them. That could be the case because I sometimes have too much in this head of mine and overlook things. I wonder if its repairable. Do I want to repair it? The entirety of the situation brings so much joy but also so much heartache. Why would I want to put myself through that again when I've spent a long time getting over it?

But am I really over it? Outside I say yes but inside that's another story. I feel a piece of me has died and anytime my heart whispers to me, bringing the memories forward again I almost can't breathe. Someone's punched me in the stomach and I am doubled over, dying. Oh wait, no, that's just the never-ending pain from the past. I'll live, this I know. I will be happy with my amazing friends and my family, this is truth. I'll smile as I go to parties, make road trips, work, finish school, watch my kids flourish and move out of here. The moments I am alone and I hear that old familiar song is when it will strike. For a brief, 3-4 minutes I allow the pain to take over and try not to swerve as I drive to the store to pickup what my family needs. It's all consuming and holds on so tightly, wanting to take over and bring me down into its pool of depression. I can't let it. I have too many people counting on me. Don't give in to that dark place again because you've worked your ass off not to go there.

Some may say my thoughts are dramatic. That's why I don't share it with anyone because no one understands. Mom does, I know she does. Yet somehow I still feel alone with this torture. Will it ever go away? No. My heart has been broken a few times through my 31 years on this planet. But, never like this. I can't explain it. It's as if the grim reaper came and took it all away. Instantly. No chance to say goodbye. No final I love you. No questions answered. Crash and burn. We're done. The End. Game Over.

Oh, how I'd love just one more day. One more laugh. One more touch. One more whisper. One more racy thought that makes me question everything about myself. Is it possible? In a perfect world, perhaps. But not in my world.

I am Ashley and I have to carry the weight of everything inside. There's no escaping it. I love my wonderful life that I have and I wouldn't trade it for a million pearls (which is saying a lot). Inside it all shall stay until I am old and gone. Buried beneath the dirt or scattered across the sea.

The quiet things, that no one ever knows.

The girl who hates change….

BIG changes are coming!

HUGE decisions have been made!

AMAZING things are happening!

Oh yeah. I am - actually - excited.

Can't complain about much these days. I believe we'll be okay.

You are going to have moments of unbearable pain. 

"It takes time to learn how to heal yourself. And healing sometimes still leaves scars. Healing is sometimes incomplete. Think of your scars as battle wounds -- evidence of how much wiser you are now -- maps of where not to return. Cherish these scars and honor them. There will come times when they are the only reminder of where you have been, and how much you still need to grow."

It hurts everyday. Yet I embrace that pain. Its a reminder of how strong I am. How far I've come. 

For those that know me, they know that music is my soul. I sometimes have a hard time saying things with my own words just because everything in my mind gets jumbled or I start to cry because confrontation turns me into a three year old. It's how I relate to Glee so much. Not just because my inner nerd remembers being in choir back in the day but…because they use songs to show their feelings on every single type of situation. Relationships, family, friendships, faith, future and so much more.

This year is about the positive things around me yet sometimes when a song comes on the radio I can't help but be pulled into the past. Just that one time to reflect on how whatever situation I am relating the song too made me feel. For instance:

Jimmy Eat World - Anything One Tree Hill
Mike C - Junior
Techno pop - Looneys
Trespassers William, Lie In The Sound - the start of my roleplaying hobby
Skillet's song, Monster - my son
Blue October - my absolutely depressive state
The Pretty Reckless, Make Me Wanna Die - that time I was chair dancing and totally busted my ass
Sanctus Real, Lead me - my husband washing the dishes in the kitchen that day
Shinedown, Adrenaline - WORKOUT!
Three Days Grace - Gina
Young The Giant, Cough syrup - that one kid :/
Bullet For My Valentine, Tears Don't Fall - shower jams

I have never been a major fan of Miley Cyrus - with the exception of my ridiculous Hannah Montana obsession. I don't despise her but she's also not one of my top musicians. I don't judge how she's leading her life now, I understand the girl is breaking out of her Disney mold and more power too her.

She has, however, created one of the best songs I've ever heard. Every single lyric in it speaks volumes to me and situations from a previous year. When I hear it, I can feel her emotion intertwined with my own and it pulls at those musical heartstrings. I know that I am not alone in being so connected this way to a melody. I have had people in my life that I was so incredibly close too - I would give them my right foot if they needed it but it was always lacking. Like something was missing.

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say, I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now we're ashes on the ground

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

To the mom who's breastfeeding: way to go! It really is an amazing gift to give your baby, for any amount of time that you can manage! You're a good mom.

To the mom who's formula feeding: Isn't science amazing? To think there was a time when a baby with a mother who couldn't produce enough would suffer but now? Better living through chemistry! You're a good mom.

To the cloth diapering mom: fluffy bums are the cutest and so friendly on the bank account. You're a good mom.

To the disposable diapering mom: damn, those things hold a lot and it's excellent to not worry about leakage and laundry! You're a good mom.

To the mom who stays at home: I can imagine it isn't easy doing what you do but to spend those precious years with your babies must be amazing. You're a good mom.

To the mom who works: It's wonderful that you're sticking to your career, you're a positive role model for your children in so many ways, it's fantastic. You're a good mom.

To the mom who had to feed her kids from the drive thru all week because you're too worn out to cook or go grocery shopping: You're feeding your kids, and hey, I bet they aren't complaining! Sometimes sanity can indeed be found in a red box with a big yellow M on it. You're a good mom.

To the mom who gave her kids a home cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past week: Excellent! Good nutrition is important and they're learning to enjoy healthy foods at an early age. You're a good mom.

To the mom with the kids who are sitting quietly and using their manners in a fancy restaurant: kudos, it takes a lot to maintain order with children in a place where they can't run around. You're a good mom.

To the mom with the toddler having a meltdown in the cereal aisle: they always seem to pick the most embarrassing places to lose their minds don't they? We've all been through it. You're a good mom.

To the moms who judge other moms for ANY of the above? Glass houses, friend. Glass houses…

Over the Hills and Far Away.

Oh my heart. Its so heavy tonight. I wish I could just get the words out that I need to say. There is a barrier though. Music always helps me figure things out. It helps me say the words that I can't express. It helps me get across my message.

In these moments of loss and torment
When the vast skies don't seem to call to you
When the weight of this world bears down
And the stars have fallen like tears

I am with you, always
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away

Monuments built in remembrance of me
But monuments fade, erode and decay
The memories are all that remain
As far as east is from west, remember

I am with you, always.
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away

I love discovering new blogs!

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I do not tolerate bullying. As a child I was picked on for the most ridiculous reasons. One of the main ones being the fact that I walked on my tip toes. I walked differently and in the third grade this boy with nothing better to do decided to name me the 'tip toe master.' It taunted me throughout my entire elementary years. Even now if I run into someone from my past they bring it up. Yes, we all know that I walked like a ballerina when I was 8 years old. Get over it and move on people!

Now that I am thirty and have three children I no longer worry what people say about me. I could care less what is whispered behind my back. What I do care about is my children being picked on. My oldest who is nine has never come across many issues. I think once someone said her accent was weird but what do you expect? We're southern folk living in California now - thanks Navy! My son however, is a different story. Having a child who is on the spectrum makes life interesting. I wouldn't call it bad but definitely not the norm. He doesn't do well with people saying things about him because rage comes out and it ends up being a whole different issue than just a little name calling. I try to instill in him that he is good. He is pure. He is loved. Everyday before school I say,"be a nice person." I want him to be that kind hearted soul who defends others rather than becomes that mean bully. In the past we've had issues with him picking on others but that was because he didn't quite know how to communicate. With the proper therapy (and dietary changes!) he's made such a tremendous change. We are beyond proud of the little man he's becoming. I still worry though. If one kid decides to be nasty it could make him snap. All of our progress will go down the toilet. 

I've wrestled with how to handle this for quite some time now and tonight I stumbled across a blog that helped so much. Sandy hit the nail on the head with this one. Her words are everything I want to say to my children. A lot of people like to say that technology hurts us more than helps but I think that's wrong. We're so informed now! 50 years ago if you had a situation like bullies you would just be told to fight back. Punch now, consequences later. But that isn't how I want to raise my children. We are fortunate to have the resources that we have today. I encourage everyone to read this blog. You won't regret it!

http://thescooponbalance.com/what-to-do-when-someone-is-mean-to-your-child/ <- Check it out. You won't be sorry. It could even help you find the words you need.

war of change

Do you ever have so much going on that you can't stop to think? You place all these obligations on your plate just to give yourself some sort of distraction. You NEED to keep your mind from wandering because letting everything else in is just too hard.

Then it happens. The feeling is staggering. I want to fall to my knees and cry to the heavens, asking why, God, why? What have I done to deserve such punishment? I want to believe that He has a plan for my life. But sometimes the pain is all consuming and it's impossible to look past the aching.

But when my weak moment has passed I manage to pick myself up and take a breath. It's okay to let the hurt inside briefly and mourn the losses you've endured. We wouldn't be human if we just shut everything off. It would definitely be easier but when did anyone say life was easy?

Its a truth that in love and war world's collide and hearts get broken. I want to live like I know I'm dying. Take up my cross, not be afraid.

Late night musings

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something. That the only next possible step to take is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not that you're giving up... And it's not that you shouldn't try...

It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours and  what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. 

for my sake.

I remember like yesterday
You had a dream in your eyes and a smile on your face
And I'm missing those days again, yeah I'm missing those days again
And I forgot what really got in the way
Maybe the sun that wouldn't shine should be taking the blame
Cause its raining on me again, yeah its raining on me again

A paradox
The key you dropped
A manifest
For what you lost, was me
For my sake please....

Stop slowing me down, stop holding me up
Quit making a scene, enough's enough
Let's be honest, your promise, was never meant to last
So I'm taking you on, I'm calling you out
There's nothing left for us here now
Let's be honest, I promise I'm never looking back for my sake
For my sake

Tell me something that's poetic at best
Make me believe there was a time you weren't like the rest
And I'll never ask you again, I'll never ask you again
For all the moments and the memories
No one could ever say we never had a history
But I'm leaving that all behind
And there is nothing gonna change my mind

-------

"Every song ends. But is that any reason not to enjoy the music?"

I have to let you go. You hurt me more than you heal me. I won't give you the satisfaction to know exactly what I am thinking. You get far too much pleasure out of my pain. I thought you were my friend. I wish you a life of happiness but, I know that everyday you will think of me. When you hear that song. When you watch that television show. When you see that celebrity. When you find that old photograph. Your heart will ache and you should know that I tried my best to save it. But you didn't want it. And that's on you, forever.