acceptance

I wanted to change the world, to make it all worthwhile. So I put pen to paper and poured out everything inside. My red eyes are tearing up at the woman I've become. Slowly, but surely on the fast track to falling into my grave

Forgiveness will set you free - so they say. I don't want to hold onto this hate anymore.

It hasn't taken as long as it usually does to get to this place. I still have my moments which can sometimes be difficult to get through but as I've said before, this time its different.

You see, when you hold onto hard feelings it continues to give the other person power over the situation. It's time to shut it down. I no longer wish to give anyone power over me. I am not someones puppet and I refuse to be treated as if I am beneath you.

I can't believe I've come so far in such a time and I'm still fighting on my own. If I stop to catch my breath I might never breathe again.

I had my 'ah-ha' moment, if you will. My unspoken closure. My brain finally worked out the riddle to this ridiculous, nearly decade long yo-yo affect. I still don't understand why it had to be this way but I am also free in a way because I know deep down, it really isn't me. For so long I questioned: why? what did I do? could I have been different? did I say something? do something? behave a certain way? am I a child?

No, I am a grown woman who has feelings and an understanding of the world and how things typically work. I also don't let people speak to me in a condescending way. So that's it. No more five stages of grief for this girl. I'm finally able to release and move forward. Will it continue to hurt? Absolutely. If it didn't then it meant nothing. Will I continue to let it hinder my self worth? Absolutely, not.

I am thankful I have had this blogger as my outlet to release these emotions that were too difficult to speak.

Ive never been so torn up in all of my life. I can't believe I let myself break down. I should have seen this coming. I've never felt so hopeless than I do tonight. I don't wanna do this anymore…. I'm moving on.

Depression

What is my purpose here on this earth? How can one person make me feel this way? I wish I had an understanding of it all. There's an elephant sitting on me, weighing me down, pushing me into the dirt. I'm sleepy and tired. So tired of everything. 

People tell me to smile and get over it but its not that easy and why am I relying on what everyone else's says anyways? Im not an influential person. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else's perspective though. And boy, do I know a lot of opinionated people.

You don't care about me at all. Im just your filler until you get your next fix. Your next high that is better than me. Why string me along all this time? Why not just let me go? Why did you seek me out in the first place? I never asked for this! 

It didn't last as long this time. The depression. The last time was the worst. Nearly a year! This time was just a week until I had my 'ah-ha' moment. Everyone needs that moment. The clarity. The window to the soul where you see everything. 

I suppose I should save the rest of this for my next and final post. Acceptance.

Bargaining

Perhaps I shouldn't have even gone. Maybe I should have just stayed home and been oblivious to it all. I didn't need to have my eyes opened, right? The veil is good over them. Its safe under there and warm. Being that clueless friend might get you joked on but it spares your heartache. I'd rather be blind than cruel.

Was I the best person that I could have been up until those final moments? I know I wasn't always the most positive version of myself and there were green times but that's normal. I tried and that's all that matters.

Maybe I should have gotten a second opinion. Third opinion. Fourth….. Would that have changed things? At least now I know and Im not being that clueless friend who thinks everyone is perfect and can do no wrong. 

I'm starting to think its better to be naive.

Anger

What the hell is wrong with you?! You have the audacity to be upset with me?? After all the shit I have put up with from you, you think that this is right? That this is fair? I am such an idiot. I thought that I had some intelligence in this brain of mine but clearly I was wrong. Only a moron would let all of this back in again. You say you were "warned" about me. That you shouldn't let me in. Who sought who out? Who emailed whom? Who called first? Who is the one who always causes this??? I am so tired of being made out like I am the bad guy. If I am wrong I will admit I am wrong.

I want to punch a wall. I want to punch your face. I want to shake you and tell you to say something! I gave you the opportunity to stop me from walking out that door. But you didn't. You just let me go like I meant nothing to you. Maybe I don't. Maybe all this time it was just a facade. But why? It makes no sense. How can a person be so loving and doting and then just piss on you? Why do you say one thing and I feel it from your heart but your actions say another. Why am I always struggling to feel involved in your life? 

Remember when Brooke was crying to Lucas at Naley's wedding and said,"why don't you ever just let me all the way in??" it was the turning point for their relationship. Lucas didn't know why he couldn't let her in but Brooke knew. Deep down. Now I know too. Its the worst feeling ever that's for sure. Just to realize that the person you love with every fiber of your being doesn't feel the same way about you. They prefer others. Every….single….time. It's always someone else.

Being 31 years old you think I've had enough life experience to know how to read people but even after all this time and even though I am an empath I still can't read you. At one time the word 'soul mates' came to mind. We're not. The ESP was nothing but coincidence.

I need the upset and the anger to melt away. I don't want it to consume me. I hate everything about you. Why the hell do I love you?