Anger

What the hell is wrong with you?! You have the audacity to be upset with me?? After all the shit I have put up with from you, you think that this is right? That this is fair? I am such an idiot. I thought that I had some intelligence in this brain of mine but clearly I was wrong. Only a moron would let all of this back in again. You say you were "warned" about me. That you shouldn't let me in. Who sought who out? Who emailed whom? Who called first? Who is the one who always causes this??? I am so tired of being made out like I am the bad guy. If I am wrong I will admit I am wrong.

I want to punch a wall. I want to punch your face. I want to shake you and tell you to say something! I gave you the opportunity to stop me from walking out that door. But you didn't. You just let me go like I meant nothing to you. Maybe I don't. Maybe all this time it was just a facade. But why? It makes no sense. How can a person be so loving and doting and then just piss on you? Why do you say one thing and I feel it from your heart but your actions say another. Why am I always struggling to feel involved in your life? 

Remember when Brooke was crying to Lucas at Naley's wedding and said,"why don't you ever just let me all the way in??" it was the turning point for their relationship. Lucas didn't know why he couldn't let her in but Brooke knew. Deep down. Now I know too. Its the worst feeling ever that's for sure. Just to realize that the person you love with every fiber of your being doesn't feel the same way about you. They prefer others. Every….single….time. It's always someone else.

Being 31 years old you think I've had enough life experience to know how to read people but even after all this time and even though I am an empath I still can't read you. At one time the word 'soul mates' came to mind. We're not. The ESP was nothing but coincidence.

I need the upset and the anger to melt away. I don't want it to consume me. I hate everything about you. Why the hell do I love you? 

For those that know me, they know that music is my soul. I sometimes have a hard time saying things with my own words just because everything in my mind gets jumbled or I start to cry because confrontation turns me into a three year old. It's how I relate to Glee so much. Not just because my inner nerd remembers being in choir back in the day but…because they use songs to show their feelings on every single type of situation. Relationships, family, friendships, faith, future and so much more.

This year is about the positive things around me yet sometimes when a song comes on the radio I can't help but be pulled into the past. Just that one time to reflect on how whatever situation I am relating the song too made me feel. For instance:

Jimmy Eat World - Anything One Tree Hill
Mike C - Junior
Techno pop - Looneys
Trespassers William, Lie In The Sound - the start of my roleplaying hobby
Skillet's song, Monster - my son
Blue October - my absolutely depressive state
The Pretty Reckless, Make Me Wanna Die - that time I was chair dancing and totally busted my ass
Sanctus Real, Lead me - my husband washing the dishes in the kitchen that day
Shinedown, Adrenaline - WORKOUT!
Three Days Grace - Gina
Young The Giant, Cough syrup - that one kid :/
Bullet For My Valentine, Tears Don't Fall - shower jams

I have never been a major fan of Miley Cyrus - with the exception of my ridiculous Hannah Montana obsession. I don't despise her but she's also not one of my top musicians. I don't judge how she's leading her life now, I understand the girl is breaking out of her Disney mold and more power too her.

She has, however, created one of the best songs I've ever heard. Every single lyric in it speaks volumes to me and situations from a previous year. When I hear it, I can feel her emotion intertwined with my own and it pulls at those musical heartstrings. I know that I am not alone in being so connected this way to a melody. I have had people in my life that I was so incredibly close too - I would give them my right foot if they needed it but it was always lacking. Like something was missing.

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say, I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now we're ashes on the ground

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

Over the Hills and Far Away.

Oh my heart. Its so heavy tonight. I wish I could just get the words out that I need to say. There is a barrier though. Music always helps me figure things out. It helps me say the words that I can't express. It helps me get across my message.

In these moments of loss and torment
When the vast skies don't seem to call to you
When the weight of this world bears down
And the stars have fallen like tears

I am with you, always
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away

Monuments built in remembrance of me
But monuments fade, erode and decay
The memories are all that remain
As far as east is from west, remember

I am with you, always.
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away