Depression

What is my purpose here on this earth? How can one person make me feel this way? I wish I had an understanding of it all. There's an elephant sitting on me, weighing me down, pushing me into the dirt. I'm sleepy and tired. So tired of everything. 

People tell me to smile and get over it but its not that easy and why am I relying on what everyone else's says anyways? Im not an influential person. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else's perspective though. And boy, do I know a lot of opinionated people.

You don't care about me at all. Im just your filler until you get your next fix. Your next high that is better than me. Why string me along all this time? Why not just let me go? Why did you seek me out in the first place? I never asked for this! 

It didn't last as long this time. The depression. The last time was the worst. Nearly a year! This time was just a week until I had my 'ah-ha' moment. Everyone needs that moment. The clarity. The window to the soul where you see everything. 

I suppose I should save the rest of this for my next and final post. Acceptance.

Bargaining

Perhaps I shouldn't have even gone. Maybe I should have just stayed home and been oblivious to it all. I didn't need to have my eyes opened, right? The veil is good over them. Its safe under there and warm. Being that clueless friend might get you joked on but it spares your heartache. I'd rather be blind than cruel.

Was I the best person that I could have been up until those final moments? I know I wasn't always the most positive version of myself and there were green times but that's normal. I tried and that's all that matters.

Maybe I should have gotten a second opinion. Third opinion. Fourth….. Would that have changed things? At least now I know and Im not being that clueless friend who thinks everyone is perfect and can do no wrong. 

I'm starting to think its better to be naive.

Over the Hills and Far Away.

Oh my heart. Its so heavy tonight. I wish I could just get the words out that I need to say. There is a barrier though. Music always helps me figure things out. It helps me say the words that I can't express. It helps me get across my message.

In these moments of loss and torment
When the vast skies don't seem to call to you
When the weight of this world bears down
And the stars have fallen like tears

I am with you, always
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away

Monuments built in remembrance of me
But monuments fade, erode and decay
The memories are all that remain
As far as east is from west, remember

I am with you, always.
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away