Depression

What is my purpose here on this earth? How can one person make me feel this way? I wish I had an understanding of it all. There's an elephant sitting on me, weighing me down, pushing me into the dirt. I'm sleepy and tired. So tired of everything. 

People tell me to smile and get over it but its not that easy and why am I relying on what everyone else's says anyways? Im not an influential person. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else's perspective though. And boy, do I know a lot of opinionated people.

You don't care about me at all. Im just your filler until you get your next fix. Your next high that is better than me. Why string me along all this time? Why not just let me go? Why did you seek me out in the first place? I never asked for this! 

It didn't last as long this time. The depression. The last time was the worst. Nearly a year! This time was just a week until I had my 'ah-ha' moment. Everyone needs that moment. The clarity. The window to the soul where you see everything. 

I suppose I should save the rest of this for my next and final post. Acceptance.

Bargaining

Perhaps I shouldn't have even gone. Maybe I should have just stayed home and been oblivious to it all. I didn't need to have my eyes opened, right? The veil is good over them. Its safe under there and warm. Being that clueless friend might get you joked on but it spares your heartache. I'd rather be blind than cruel.

Was I the best person that I could have been up until those final moments? I know I wasn't always the most positive version of myself and there were green times but that's normal. I tried and that's all that matters.

Maybe I should have gotten a second opinion. Third opinion. Fourth….. Would that have changed things? At least now I know and Im not being that clueless friend who thinks everyone is perfect and can do no wrong. 

I'm starting to think its better to be naive.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

When did it happen? Why didn't I see it coming? I wonder if the signs were there and I just chose to ignore them. That could be the case because I sometimes have too much in this head of mine and overlook things. I wonder if its repairable. Do I want to repair it? The entirety of the situation brings so much joy but also so much heartache. Why would I want to put myself through that again when I've spent a long time getting over it?

But am I really over it? Outside I say yes but inside that's another story. I feel a piece of me has died and anytime my heart whispers to me, bringing the memories forward again I almost can't breathe. Someone's punched me in the stomach and I am doubled over, dying. Oh wait, no, that's just the never-ending pain from the past. I'll live, this I know. I will be happy with my amazing friends and my family, this is truth. I'll smile as I go to parties, make road trips, work, finish school, watch my kids flourish and move out of here. The moments I am alone and I hear that old familiar song is when it will strike. For a brief, 3-4 minutes I allow the pain to take over and try not to swerve as I drive to the store to pickup what my family needs. It's all consuming and holds on so tightly, wanting to take over and bring me down into its pool of depression. I can't let it. I have too many people counting on me. Don't give in to that dark place again because you've worked your ass off not to go there.

Some may say my thoughts are dramatic. That's why I don't share it with anyone because no one understands. Mom does, I know she does. Yet somehow I still feel alone with this torture. Will it ever go away? No. My heart has been broken a few times through my 31 years on this planet. But, never like this. I can't explain it. It's as if the grim reaper came and took it all away. Instantly. No chance to say goodbye. No final I love you. No questions answered. Crash and burn. We're done. The End. Game Over.

Oh, how I'd love just one more day. One more laugh. One more touch. One more whisper. One more racy thought that makes me question everything about myself. Is it possible? In a perfect world, perhaps. But not in my world.

I am Ashley and I have to carry the weight of everything inside. There's no escaping it. I love my wonderful life that I have and I wouldn't trade it for a million pearls (which is saying a lot). Inside it all shall stay until I am old and gone. Buried beneath the dirt or scattered across the sea.

The quiet things, that no one ever knows.