Depression

What is my purpose here on this earth? How can one person make me feel this way? I wish I had an understanding of it all. There's an elephant sitting on me, weighing me down, pushing me into the dirt. I'm sleepy and tired. So tired of everything. 

People tell me to smile and get over it but its not that easy and why am I relying on what everyone else's says anyways? Im not an influential person. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else's perspective though. And boy, do I know a lot of opinionated people.

You don't care about me at all. Im just your filler until you get your next fix. Your next high that is better than me. Why string me along all this time? Why not just let me go? Why did you seek me out in the first place? I never asked for this! 

It didn't last as long this time. The depression. The last time was the worst. Nearly a year! This time was just a week until I had my 'ah-ha' moment. Everyone needs that moment. The clarity. The window to the soul where you see everything. 

I suppose I should save the rest of this for my next and final post. Acceptance.

Bargaining

Perhaps I shouldn't have even gone. Maybe I should have just stayed home and been oblivious to it all. I didn't need to have my eyes opened, right? The veil is good over them. Its safe under there and warm. Being that clueless friend might get you joked on but it spares your heartache. I'd rather be blind than cruel.

Was I the best person that I could have been up until those final moments? I know I wasn't always the most positive version of myself and there were green times but that's normal. I tried and that's all that matters.

Maybe I should have gotten a second opinion. Third opinion. Fourth….. Would that have changed things? At least now I know and Im not being that clueless friend who thinks everyone is perfect and can do no wrong. 

I'm starting to think its better to be naive.

I love discovering new blogs!

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I do not tolerate bullying. As a child I was picked on for the most ridiculous reasons. One of the main ones being the fact that I walked on my tip toes. I walked differently and in the third grade this boy with nothing better to do decided to name me the 'tip toe master.' It taunted me throughout my entire elementary years. Even now if I run into someone from my past they bring it up. Yes, we all know that I walked like a ballerina when I was 8 years old. Get over it and move on people!

Now that I am thirty and have three children I no longer worry what people say about me. I could care less what is whispered behind my back. What I do care about is my children being picked on. My oldest who is nine has never come across many issues. I think once someone said her accent was weird but what do you expect? We're southern folk living in California now - thanks Navy! My son however, is a different story. Having a child who is on the spectrum makes life interesting. I wouldn't call it bad but definitely not the norm. He doesn't do well with people saying things about him because rage comes out and it ends up being a whole different issue than just a little name calling. I try to instill in him that he is good. He is pure. He is loved. Everyday before school I say,"be a nice person." I want him to be that kind hearted soul who defends others rather than becomes that mean bully. In the past we've had issues with him picking on others but that was because he didn't quite know how to communicate. With the proper therapy (and dietary changes!) he's made such a tremendous change. We are beyond proud of the little man he's becoming. I still worry though. If one kid decides to be nasty it could make him snap. All of our progress will go down the toilet. 

I've wrestled with how to handle this for quite some time now and tonight I stumbled across a blog that helped so much. Sandy hit the nail on the head with this one. Her words are everything I want to say to my children. A lot of people like to say that technology hurts us more than helps but I think that's wrong. We're so informed now! 50 years ago if you had a situation like bullies you would just be told to fight back. Punch now, consequences later. But that isn't how I want to raise my children. We are fortunate to have the resources that we have today. I encourage everyone to read this blog. You won't regret it!

http://thescooponbalance.com/what-to-do-when-someone-is-mean-to-your-child/ <- Check it out. You won't be sorry. It could even help you find the words you need.