Depression

What is my purpose here on this earth? How can one person make me feel this way? I wish I had an understanding of it all. There's an elephant sitting on me, weighing me down, pushing me into the dirt. I'm sleepy and tired. So tired of everything. 

People tell me to smile and get over it but its not that easy and why am I relying on what everyone else's says anyways? Im not an influential person. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else's perspective though. And boy, do I know a lot of opinionated people.

You don't care about me at all. Im just your filler until you get your next fix. Your next high that is better than me. Why string me along all this time? Why not just let me go? Why did you seek me out in the first place? I never asked for this! 

It didn't last as long this time. The depression. The last time was the worst. Nearly a year! This time was just a week until I had my 'ah-ha' moment. Everyone needs that moment. The clarity. The window to the soul where you see everything. 

I suppose I should save the rest of this for my next and final post. Acceptance.

Anger

What the hell is wrong with you?! You have the audacity to be upset with me?? After all the shit I have put up with from you, you think that this is right? That this is fair? I am such an idiot. I thought that I had some intelligence in this brain of mine but clearly I was wrong. Only a moron would let all of this back in again. You say you were "warned" about me. That you shouldn't let me in. Who sought who out? Who emailed whom? Who called first? Who is the one who always causes this??? I am so tired of being made out like I am the bad guy. If I am wrong I will admit I am wrong.

I want to punch a wall. I want to punch your face. I want to shake you and tell you to say something! I gave you the opportunity to stop me from walking out that door. But you didn't. You just let me go like I meant nothing to you. Maybe I don't. Maybe all this time it was just a facade. But why? It makes no sense. How can a person be so loving and doting and then just piss on you? Why do you say one thing and I feel it from your heart but your actions say another. Why am I always struggling to feel involved in your life? 

Remember when Brooke was crying to Lucas at Naley's wedding and said,"why don't you ever just let me all the way in??" it was the turning point for their relationship. Lucas didn't know why he couldn't let her in but Brooke knew. Deep down. Now I know too. Its the worst feeling ever that's for sure. Just to realize that the person you love with every fiber of your being doesn't feel the same way about you. They prefer others. Every….single….time. It's always someone else.

Being 31 years old you think I've had enough life experience to know how to read people but even after all this time and even though I am an empath I still can't read you. At one time the word 'soul mates' came to mind. We're not. The ESP was nothing but coincidence.

I need the upset and the anger to melt away. I don't want it to consume me. I hate everything about you. Why the hell do I love you? 

war of change

Do you ever have so much going on that you can't stop to think? You place all these obligations on your plate just to give yourself some sort of distraction. You NEED to keep your mind from wandering because letting everything else in is just too hard.

Then it happens. The feeling is staggering. I want to fall to my knees and cry to the heavens, asking why, God, why? What have I done to deserve such punishment? I want to believe that He has a plan for my life. But sometimes the pain is all consuming and it's impossible to look past the aching.

But when my weak moment has passed I manage to pick myself up and take a breath. It's okay to let the hurt inside briefly and mourn the losses you've endured. We wouldn't be human if we just shut everything off. It would definitely be easier but when did anyone say life was easy?

Its a truth that in love and war world's collide and hearts get broken. I want to live like I know I'm dying. Take up my cross, not be afraid.