acceptance

I wanted to change the world, to make it all worthwhile. So I put pen to paper and poured out everything inside. My red eyes are tearing up at the woman I've become. Slowly, but surely on the fast track to falling into my grave

Forgiveness will set you free - so they say. I don't want to hold onto this hate anymore.

It hasn't taken as long as it usually does to get to this place. I still have my moments which can sometimes be difficult to get through but as I've said before, this time its different.

You see, when you hold onto hard feelings it continues to give the other person power over the situation. It's time to shut it down. I no longer wish to give anyone power over me. I am not someones puppet and I refuse to be treated as if I am beneath you.

I can't believe I've come so far in such a time and I'm still fighting on my own. If I stop to catch my breath I might never breathe again.

I had my 'ah-ha' moment, if you will. My unspoken closure. My brain finally worked out the riddle to this ridiculous, nearly decade long yo-yo affect. I still don't understand why it had to be this way but I am also free in a way because I know deep down, it really isn't me. For so long I questioned: why? what did I do? could I have been different? did I say something? do something? behave a certain way? am I a child?

No, I am a grown woman who has feelings and an understanding of the world and how things typically work. I also don't let people speak to me in a condescending way. So that's it. No more five stages of grief for this girl. I'm finally able to release and move forward. Will it continue to hurt? Absolutely. If it didn't then it meant nothing. Will I continue to let it hinder my self worth? Absolutely, not.

I am thankful I have had this blogger as my outlet to release these emotions that were too difficult to speak.

Ive never been so torn up in all of my life. I can't believe I let myself break down. I should have seen this coming. I've never felt so hopeless than I do tonight. I don't wanna do this anymore…. I'm moving on.