Do you ever have so much going on that you can't stop to think? You place all these obligations on your plate just to give yourself some sort of distraction. You NEED to keep your mind from wandering because letting everything else in is just too hard.
Then it happens. The feeling is staggering. I want to fall to my knees and cry to the heavens, asking why, God, why? What have I done to deserve such punishment? I want to believe that He has a plan for my life. But sometimes the pain is all consuming and it's impossible to look past the aching.
But when my weak moment has passed I manage to pick myself up and take a breath. It's okay to let the hurt inside briefly and mourn the losses you've endured. We wouldn't be human if we just shut everything off. It would definitely be easier but when did anyone say life was easy?
Its a truth that in love and war world's collide and hearts get broken. I want to live like I know I'm dying. Take up my cross, not be afraid.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Late night musings
At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something. That the only next possible step to take is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not that you're giving up... And it's not that you shouldn't try...
It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
Monday, September 16, 2013
for my sake.
I remember like yesterday
You had a dream in your eyes and a smile on your face
And I'm missing those days again, yeah I'm missing those days again
And I forgot what really got in the way
Maybe the sun that wouldn't shine should be taking the blame
Cause its raining on me again, yeah its raining on me again
A paradox
The key you dropped
A manifest
For what you lost, was me
For my sake please....
Stop slowing me down, stop holding me up
Quit making a scene, enough's enough
Let's be honest, your promise, was never meant to last
So I'm taking you on, I'm calling you out
There's nothing left for us here now
Let's be honest, I promise I'm never looking back for my sake
For my sake
Tell me something that's poetic at best
Make me believe there was a time you weren't like the rest
And I'll never ask you again, I'll never ask you again
For all the moments and the memories
No one could ever say we never had a history
But I'm leaving that all behind
And there is nothing gonna change my mind
-------
"Every song ends. But is that any reason not to enjoy the music?"
You had a dream in your eyes and a smile on your face
And I'm missing those days again, yeah I'm missing those days again
And I forgot what really got in the way
Maybe the sun that wouldn't shine should be taking the blame
Cause its raining on me again, yeah its raining on me again
A paradox
The key you dropped
A manifest
For what you lost, was me
For my sake please....
Stop slowing me down, stop holding me up
Quit making a scene, enough's enough
Let's be honest, your promise, was never meant to last
So I'm taking you on, I'm calling you out
There's nothing left for us here now
Let's be honest, I promise I'm never looking back for my sake
For my sake
Tell me something that's poetic at best
Make me believe there was a time you weren't like the rest
And I'll never ask you again, I'll never ask you again
For all the moments and the memories
No one could ever say we never had a history
But I'm leaving that all behind
And there is nothing gonna change my mind
-------
"Every song ends. But is that any reason not to enjoy the music?"
I have to let you go. You hurt me more than you heal me. I won't give you the satisfaction to know exactly what I am thinking. You get far too much pleasure out of my pain. I thought you were my friend. I wish you a life of happiness but, I know that everyday you will think of me. When you hear that song. When you watch that television show. When you see that celebrity. When you find that old photograph. Your heart will ache and you should know that I tried my best to save it. But you didn't want it. And that's on you, forever.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
don't forget to remember me
Being married to someone in the military is hard. We all know that. There are deployments, moving so far away from home, not having family close by and one of the worst things is finding a friend that won't betray your good heart. I come from the south where people are nice. If you're driving down an old country road and you pass someone, you wave. You say yes ma'am, yes sir. Fried chicken is a staple. Your mama will always be the best cook, hands down. Your grandfather will always have the best stories. We love our sweet tea. Football is where its at. And lastly (but not least!) when you have a friend, you know you can depend on them.
My family and I moved to California in July of 2010. I have met a lot of people in our three years out here. Some are nice. Some are chatty. Some talk about their husbands rank way too much. Some are liars and then there are those that want to be your friend just to gain a good gossip story that they can twist around. It's sad but true. I've noticed that this life is a bit like high school. But worse, if you can imagine. We're grown ass men and women and half of us spend 97% of our days just telling tall tales. What's the point? Where is it getting you?
I am not saying everyone is bad! That is actually the purpose of this blog entry tonight.
I've had a rough history of getting too close to people and ending up burned. You grow with someone in a friendship and you think that they will always keep all your secrets, listen to you, give sound advice and make you laugh. But then something happens and 'poof'.....it's over. Because of this, I keep my guard up a lot and only let a very select few people in.
I met Tanisha online three years ago. A mutual friend introduced us through Facebook. We added one another and occasionally talked via message but never officially met even though we were literally right around the corner from each other. To be totally honest, I was fearful of meeting her because, she intimidated the hell out of me! Tanisha just has this look about her that says,"I know who I am and what I am doing. I don't need your help."
A year and a half later when I was moving back to California after spending a deployment back home in Alabama Tanisha and I finally met face to face. I went over to her house and the chemistry was instant. I have never met someone that I felt completely comfortable with that fast. Some would say its because we talked online and through text so much but I don't think so. We are exactly alike yet totally different if that makes any sense at all.
It's a rare occurrence when you find someone in this life that you just sync perfectly with. Especially when you've got children. You could get along great with someone but your kids bicker constantly, therefore putting a kink in your relationship. But not us. Our children have grown together and I am fortunate that Payton and Austin were able to make such good friends in Eli, Ayden and Asher. You have raised such amazing boys Tanisha!
The time has come for the Montgomery family to move away from California though. Bigger adventures call their name and I couldn't be happier for them. I know that Chicago is gaining a terrific family and I wish you all nothing but the best. I pray that happiness consume your lives.
I am also, so very sad. In my three years here I have seen a lot of people come and go but it never bothered me much. That's because I was never close with those that left until now. I know that it's not goodbye forever. But right now it feels that way. Knowing that I can't just pop over to your house anymore is weighing me down. Who am I going to call to fight my battles because I am too chicken? You always were a great bodyguard T!
You have done so much for me I don't think I could ever repay you. From helping me through my entire pregnancy to just being a shoulder to cry on. You've never judged. You've always been direct with your opinion. You always know exactly where I am coming from. I am going to miss you like crazy Tanisha! I look forward to hearing about all the new Monty adventures. I love you!
My family and I moved to California in July of 2010. I have met a lot of people in our three years out here. Some are nice. Some are chatty. Some talk about their husbands rank way too much. Some are liars and then there are those that want to be your friend just to gain a good gossip story that they can twist around. It's sad but true. I've noticed that this life is a bit like high school. But worse, if you can imagine. We're grown ass men and women and half of us spend 97% of our days just telling tall tales. What's the point? Where is it getting you?
I am not saying everyone is bad! That is actually the purpose of this blog entry tonight.
I've had a rough history of getting too close to people and ending up burned. You grow with someone in a friendship and you think that they will always keep all your secrets, listen to you, give sound advice and make you laugh. But then something happens and 'poof'.....it's over. Because of this, I keep my guard up a lot and only let a very select few people in.
I met Tanisha online three years ago. A mutual friend introduced us through Facebook. We added one another and occasionally talked via message but never officially met even though we were literally right around the corner from each other. To be totally honest, I was fearful of meeting her because, she intimidated the hell out of me! Tanisha just has this look about her that says,"I know who I am and what I am doing. I don't need your help."
A year and a half later when I was moving back to California after spending a deployment back home in Alabama Tanisha and I finally met face to face. I went over to her house and the chemistry was instant. I have never met someone that I felt completely comfortable with that fast. Some would say its because we talked online and through text so much but I don't think so. We are exactly alike yet totally different if that makes any sense at all.
It's a rare occurrence when you find someone in this life that you just sync perfectly with. Especially when you've got children. You could get along great with someone but your kids bicker constantly, therefore putting a kink in your relationship. But not us. Our children have grown together and I am fortunate that Payton and Austin were able to make such good friends in Eli, Ayden and Asher. You have raised such amazing boys Tanisha!
Eli, Ayden & Austin 2012 |
Asher, Ayden, Payton, Austin & Eli July 4, 2013 They've grown so much!! |
I am also, so very sad. In my three years here I have seen a lot of people come and go but it never bothered me much. That's because I was never close with those that left until now. I know that it's not goodbye forever. But right now it feels that way. Knowing that I can't just pop over to your house anymore is weighing me down. Who am I going to call to fight my battles because I am too chicken? You always were a great bodyguard T!
You have done so much for me I don't think I could ever repay you. From helping me through my entire pregnancy to just being a shoulder to cry on. You've never judged. You've always been direct with your opinion. You always know exactly where I am coming from. I am going to miss you like crazy Tanisha! I look forward to hearing about all the new Monty adventures. I love you!
Baby shower! |
July 2013 :) |
We will see each other again! |
Monday, August 26, 2013
PAG
There is a girl I know that I must tell you about. We call her Payton (but her friends call her Pay Pay).
She is this little beauty that I have known for nearly nine years now. Her heart is full of innocence, imagination and love. How do I know her? Its simple really. I had a hand in bringing her into this world. She is my daughter. My first daughter.
Ever since Payton made her journey into this crazy life we live in I've always known she was special. Most moms say things like that about their children but I have this gut instinct that she is going to do something absolutely phenomenal someday. So far she's not slacking. Payton is the reason I still believe in people. So many have let me down over the years and proven that they are not good. You begin to lose a little faith in humanity. But, how can you when sunshine lives in your household?
She is smart as a whip too! Her teachers have always raved about how incredible she is. It makes a mom quite proud to have a daughter like that. I attribute most of her brain to her father though. He's the genius in the family. I'm just the dreamer.
This year, this week...she starts the third grade. I can't believe she's growing so fast.
A heart as big as the stars too! This girl would give her last dollar to a homeless person. She enjoys donating to cancer research and cries so much when people get hurt. She is an incredible big sister too and has a knack for defending her brother against cruel people. We all have our days and she certainly is no different. We are approaching teenage years and at times I can see a hint of the attitude I am going to have to face. No matter what she does, no matter how many mistakes are made I will always love her more than anyone else in this world. I vow to be her strength when she needs it. To try and shield her from the pain of bullies. To give her advice on boys. To be her shoulder when her friends let her down. To be that ear when she's ready to open up. I will forever be the best mother to my child.
She's something silly thats for sure! Just today she was bouncing around the house singing songs from her favorite movies. And let me tell you, that girl LOVES to sing. Pitch Perfect songs are currently her favorite. Monster High dolls are the best toy. A laptop, facebook and iPhone are something she longs for - ha! Riiiiight! Deuce Gorgon is her "crush". Pink is the BEST color. Friends are her major priority. Dressing up in fancy clothes, wearing her mothers shoes and putting on dark lipgloss are things she enjoys far more than I like.
We're getting to the age where she has bad influences. It's hard to try and steer her away from them. Especially when they are friends. I try my best everyday to remind her what is right and what is wrong. I also try my best to keep her in the know on things that I feel are age appropriate. I wonder what else she might know, that she hasn't shared with me. I know she's going to keep secrets and that is okay. It's normal for daughters to keep some things to themselves. I have to accept the fact that even though I want to always be her everything, I have to let her go and someday she will come back to me.
But not yet!
She's still my braid wearing, popsicle loving, doll having, Disney Princess toothbrush using, bicycle riding, tree climbing baby girl. And I am so thankful God let me be her mother.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
hear you me.
It's been one year.
And yet it still feels like yesterday that I heard your voice. I still remember your smell. I can certainly remember the food you liked to eat. The soap operas you enjoyed watching. Desperate Housewives FTW - which I just finished watching for the second time in tribute to you. I even got Jb into it! I still smile thinking back on how kind your heart was. There wasn't a person in this world that had an ill feeling towards you. Sometimes you made us all a bit crazy but that was your job. You were the glue that held the family together.
Since you've been gone every thing has fallen apart. Nothing is the same and yet everything is exactly as it was. It's complicated. All of us suffer in our own way. We've got different coping mechanisms. Julio gambles, Krystan goes out a lot and tries to fight her dreams, mama has found God and mine is strength. I am quite strong in the face of all the sadness still hanging over our heads but inside I am a total mess. No one understands and I can't explain it. There's not a single person on this Earth I can share my feelings with. I don't really want too. Letting people in is harder for me now than it ever was before.
Is it sad that I still pick up my phone to call you? Whenever something life changing happens to me I've always known that you were the ONLY person I could call to get a positive reaction. Support. Love. Advice. No judgement. I haven't had that in 365 days. Its not fair.
And yet I am sitting here basically saying 'woe is me. poor me. sad Ashley.' Then again, you do have it better than all of us still stuck here on this planet. You're in heaven laughing it up with all the lost relatives and friends that left this world before you.
Last week my grandfather passed away. You remember him well. He was that mean old man who always liked to pick on you at the parties. He had Alzheimer's for a long time and suffered greatly. When Gail called to tell me the news I felt no sadness and at first that confused me because I've known that man since I was four years old. Then I realized that...I feel no heartache because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was his time. He needed to go. God finally ended his pain and now he could be happy.
It wasn't your time. You were so young, so beautiful. I only had 25 years with you. My kids only had 7, 4 and Teagan had none... I will try to keep your memory alive in them through photographs and old stories but it's not the same. The world is now without.
I am going to wrap this up because I don't like to let the sadness in. Just know that I will think of you always despite my inability to talk about you. You're in my heart forever Ann.
"If you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big. God wouldn't let it live."
And yet it still feels like yesterday that I heard your voice. I still remember your smell. I can certainly remember the food you liked to eat. The soap operas you enjoyed watching. Desperate Housewives FTW - which I just finished watching for the second time in tribute to you. I even got Jb into it! I still smile thinking back on how kind your heart was. There wasn't a person in this world that had an ill feeling towards you. Sometimes you made us all a bit crazy but that was your job. You were the glue that held the family together.
Since you've been gone every thing has fallen apart. Nothing is the same and yet everything is exactly as it was. It's complicated. All of us suffer in our own way. We've got different coping mechanisms. Julio gambles, Krystan goes out a lot and tries to fight her dreams, mama has found God and mine is strength. I am quite strong in the face of all the sadness still hanging over our heads but inside I am a total mess. No one understands and I can't explain it. There's not a single person on this Earth I can share my feelings with. I don't really want too. Letting people in is harder for me now than it ever was before.
Is it sad that I still pick up my phone to call you? Whenever something life changing happens to me I've always known that you were the ONLY person I could call to get a positive reaction. Support. Love. Advice. No judgement. I haven't had that in 365 days. Its not fair.
And yet I am sitting here basically saying 'woe is me. poor me. sad Ashley.' Then again, you do have it better than all of us still stuck here on this planet. You're in heaven laughing it up with all the lost relatives and friends that left this world before you.
Last week my grandfather passed away. You remember him well. He was that mean old man who always liked to pick on you at the parties. He had Alzheimer's for a long time and suffered greatly. When Gail called to tell me the news I felt no sadness and at first that confused me because I've known that man since I was four years old. Then I realized that...I feel no heartache because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was his time. He needed to go. God finally ended his pain and now he could be happy.
It wasn't your time. You were so young, so beautiful. I only had 25 years with you. My kids only had 7, 4 and Teagan had none... I will try to keep your memory alive in them through photographs and old stories but it's not the same. The world is now without.
I am going to wrap this up because I don't like to let the sadness in. Just know that I will think of you always despite my inability to talk about you. You're in my heart forever Ann.
"If you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big. God wouldn't let it live."
Monday, August 5, 2013
I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
Cause somethings changed
You've been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave
Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
I never thought I'd say I'm fine
Without you.
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
Cause somethings changed
You've been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave
Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
I never thought I'd say I'm fine
Without you.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
I shall....
I enjoy blogging. Reading others and writing my own has been a favored past time for many years now. We won't go into how many and how it all got started because that's another post for another day.
I recently read one of the many stories from mother to mother and I felt so uplifted by her REAL and INSPIRING words that I wanted to create my own.
The post was compiled of vows made to ones self. We all get so caught up in this busy world we live in no one ever takes long enough to enjoy the moments they have with their children.
There have been many times in the last 8 1/2 years that I've wanted to throw in the towel and give up. Its those days where the kids won't stop arguing, nothing pleases them, gratitude is not given, tantrums are loud, friends dump on you, the washing machine breaks, your hair looks like you just rode down Sunset with the top down, you've kissed so many boo boos you've lost count and we begin to feel that we're the only person experiencing these hard ships. That's just not true.
1. I shall not compare myself to any other mother out there. God made me who I am and I am grateful for that.
2. I will never live a fabulously lavish lifestyle and I am perfectly okay with that. Money and things don't buy happiness. Friends and family do.
3. I shall tell my kids yes when they ask for me to make them a blanket fort on the stairwell.
4. I shall not get irritated when I am asked for the 14th cup of water after bedtimes come. These moments won't be here forever.
5. I shall not try and finish every single load of laundry on Sunday but instead go outside and ride bikes with the kids. The clothes will be there tomorrow.
6. I shall not compare my casserole, artwork, house decor to ANYTHING on Pinterest.
7. I shall show my kids that dancing doesn't have to be 1&2&3 but something wild and crazy, where you can throw your hair around while you jump on couches.
8. I shall accept my body and all the scars for what they are. Markings of true love.
9. I shall not have fear when I go to get inside of my truck. Those crushed crackers, empty go-gurt packs, water bottles and toys are a sign that my kids have fun on rides.
10. I shall not make others feel bad about themselves or their life choices.
11. I shall raise honest, loving, hard working children to the best of my ability because this world needs more of that.
12. I shall muster up enough energy to read one more bed time story even when I have been awake since 6am cleaning, playing, running errands and cooking - with no coffee!
13. I shall love their father immensely and make sure they know I love him.
14. I shall say sorry when sorry is necessary.
15. I shall give my friends the gift of a guilt-free friendship.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
kaleidoscope heart.
Day 10-19
Life is a beautiful thing. It's given to us and we've only got one chance to make it as amazing, memorable and fulfilling as possible. Sometimes with all the chaos that it brings you tend to forget small things like that but once in a while you can sit back and reflect. It's then you're reminded of how lucky we are.
I can say the last 9 days have been great. Busy, busy, busy! I might not live the fast life with all the glitz and glamour but I can guarantee my job is a lot harder than those that do! But rewarding nonetheless. All the positive things about my medication stand still. So far nothing is really weighing me down. I've tossed all that negative energy out the window and couldn't care less. That's the incredible thing.
Although it's also kind of a downer too. The not so great side affects are my inability to feel intense emotion about certain things. Sure I get sad when my kids are hurt and I can laugh with my good friends, flirt with my husband and feel the motivation to get stuff done. But, things that once made me so emotional have no affect on me anymore. Its a good and a bad thing. Just last week there was something I was so upset about but, I couldn't muster up the tears to cry. I was unable to mourn it. I found it nice to not be so weepy but one of my close friends told me,"if you can't cry there's kinda something wrong. It's not supposed to be that way." Perhaps she's right. But that's the reason I'm writing these posts, to keep up with everything so when I go in August I can lay down the facts on how it's affected me.
Sleep. Its the best thing in the world. Even better than coffee - yes, I said it. I miss sleep, so very much. That has been a huge issue. I already have insomnia so the fact that its taking me THREE HOURS to fall asleep sucks! I go to bed so early now because I am literally exhausted from my days but there's a heap ton of tossing, turning, thinking..... A woman thinking? That's never good.
I will survive though! I have been doing phenomenal so far and I will keep on trucking. I just have to remind myself I am not doing this for me - not totally. I am doing it for those around me. My kids, my husband, my family, my friends. It's a big deal but I am strong enough to handle it.
I always have been.
Feel the fire burning up. Inspire me with blood of blue and green. I have hope. Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope.
Life is a beautiful thing. It's given to us and we've only got one chance to make it as amazing, memorable and fulfilling as possible. Sometimes with all the chaos that it brings you tend to forget small things like that but once in a while you can sit back and reflect. It's then you're reminded of how lucky we are.
I can say the last 9 days have been great. Busy, busy, busy! I might not live the fast life with all the glitz and glamour but I can guarantee my job is a lot harder than those that do! But rewarding nonetheless. All the positive things about my medication stand still. So far nothing is really weighing me down. I've tossed all that negative energy out the window and couldn't care less. That's the incredible thing.
Although it's also kind of a downer too. The not so great side affects are my inability to feel intense emotion about certain things. Sure I get sad when my kids are hurt and I can laugh with my good friends, flirt with my husband and feel the motivation to get stuff done. But, things that once made me so emotional have no affect on me anymore. Its a good and a bad thing. Just last week there was something I was so upset about but, I couldn't muster up the tears to cry. I was unable to mourn it. I found it nice to not be so weepy but one of my close friends told me,"if you can't cry there's kinda something wrong. It's not supposed to be that way." Perhaps she's right. But that's the reason I'm writing these posts, to keep up with everything so when I go in August I can lay down the facts on how it's affected me.
Sleep. Its the best thing in the world. Even better than coffee - yes, I said it. I miss sleep, so very much. That has been a huge issue. I already have insomnia so the fact that its taking me THREE HOURS to fall asleep sucks! I go to bed so early now because I am literally exhausted from my days but there's a heap ton of tossing, turning, thinking..... A woman thinking? That's never good.
I will survive though! I have been doing phenomenal so far and I will keep on trucking. I just have to remind myself I am not doing this for me - not totally. I am doing it for those around me. My kids, my husband, my family, my friends. It's a big deal but I am strong enough to handle it.
I always have been.
Feel the fire burning up. Inspire me with blood of blue and green. I have hope. Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
days go by.
Day 2-9
Positives: All I can say is wow. Who knew that something as simple as a small pill could make such a difference in a persons life. I've been missing out! For eight years I could have avoided all of the negative feelings, the intense anxiety, the carnage thoughts, the insecurity, the tears... oh the tears!!!
My eyes are clear. The veil has been raised. Patience is still thin but growing thicker each progressing day. I see people for who they really are. I can distinguish the fake from the real. I am more motivated - things are getting done! And the best of all, I am enjoying life.
I always knew I had a pretty fantastic life but kind of took it for granted. Who wouldn't wish for what I have? My husband (although still a kid himself most times) loves me completely. He might get under my skin and make me want to shake my fist at the heavens but God knows I wouldn't be me without him by my side. He gave me these three intelligent, challenging, surprising, loving, beautiful children! My Alabama family is absolutely insane but you know what? I wouldn't trade them for $1,000,000,000. They support me even when I am not at my best.
And my friends, the very few that I know are actually there for me and not just for some gossip, are absolute treasures. I don't need 50+ friends like I used to have when I was a teenager. Just give me 1 or 2 good ones, a bottle of wine and I'll be fine for the rest of my days <3
One more great thing about this though is the feelings. Sometimes in my life I will cry at the most ridiculous things. It angers me because I don't want to be some weeping willow. And now I don't have to be! I have emotions and feel bad for certain situations but they don't make me cry like before. And that is beautiful.
Negatives: Nausea is actually there. It hits about 7 hours into it but nothing I haven't been able to handle.
"So don't sit back and watch the days go by. Are you ever gonna live before you die? And when things fall apart, the world has come undone, leave it all behind. Leave the loneliness alone. You wait forever blind."
Positives: All I can say is wow. Who knew that something as simple as a small pill could make such a difference in a persons life. I've been missing out! For eight years I could have avoided all of the negative feelings, the intense anxiety, the carnage thoughts, the insecurity, the tears... oh the tears!!!
My eyes are clear. The veil has been raised. Patience is still thin but growing thicker each progressing day. I see people for who they really are. I can distinguish the fake from the real. I am more motivated - things are getting done! And the best of all, I am enjoying life.
I always knew I had a pretty fantastic life but kind of took it for granted. Who wouldn't wish for what I have? My husband (although still a kid himself most times) loves me completely. He might get under my skin and make me want to shake my fist at the heavens but God knows I wouldn't be me without him by my side. He gave me these three intelligent, challenging, surprising, loving, beautiful children! My Alabama family is absolutely insane but you know what? I wouldn't trade them for $1,000,000,000. They support me even when I am not at my best.
And my friends, the very few that I know are actually there for me and not just for some gossip, are absolute treasures. I don't need 50+ friends like I used to have when I was a teenager. Just give me 1 or 2 good ones, a bottle of wine and I'll be fine for the rest of my days <3
One more great thing about this though is the feelings. Sometimes in my life I will cry at the most ridiculous things. It angers me because I don't want to be some weeping willow. And now I don't have to be! I have emotions and feel bad for certain situations but they don't make me cry like before. And that is beautiful.
Negatives: Nausea is actually there. It hits about 7 hours into it but nothing I haven't been able to handle.
"So don't sit back and watch the days go by. Are you ever gonna live before you die? And when things fall apart, the world has come undone, leave it all behind. Leave the loneliness alone. You wait forever blind."
Monday, July 1, 2013
this is war.
For the next month I am going to be documenting (for myself) the changes that occur while starting this new chapter. After thorough research I hope that all of the positives come through more so than the negatives.
Day 1.
No nausea today! Everything I read up on said that would happen but so far, not uh :)
I didn't feel any different really. Just a bit warmer than usual but that could just be the rising socal temperatures. Overall it really was a great day with sun, pool and relaxation. I look forward to many more days like today and honestly hope no major changes occur in the coming weeks.
What I am most looking forward too is to be graced with more patience again. I used to have so much. Over the years its dwindled away for various reasons. I also hope that it takes my focus more towards the important things in life. I obsess over something so stupid. Why worry about someone who clearly doesn't give your feelings a second guess? Why feed into the childish games? Its pointless. I am still young enough to get everything I want out of life. And we only have one so live it to its fullest!
"Its the moment of truth and the moment to lie. The moment to live and the moment to die. The moment to fight. The moment to fight."
Day 1.
No nausea today! Everything I read up on said that would happen but so far, not uh :)
I didn't feel any different really. Just a bit warmer than usual but that could just be the rising socal temperatures. Overall it really was a great day with sun, pool and relaxation. I look forward to many more days like today and honestly hope no major changes occur in the coming weeks.
What I am most looking forward too is to be graced with more patience again. I used to have so much. Over the years its dwindled away for various reasons. I also hope that it takes my focus more towards the important things in life. I obsess over something so stupid. Why worry about someone who clearly doesn't give your feelings a second guess? Why feed into the childish games? Its pointless. I am still young enough to get everything I want out of life. And we only have one so live it to its fullest!
"Its the moment of truth and the moment to lie. The moment to live and the moment to die. The moment to fight. The moment to fight."
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Echo.
"Do you hear me? Do you hear me? Cause I need to, just to reach you. Can you hear me? Come in clearly. Am I hollow? Just an echo."
I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to say here. Its midnight and I can't sleep, as usual. I am laying in the bed and I've got this nagging in my brain telling me go write, get everything off of your chest. What exactly is everything though? My brain is so overloaded with useless junk and unwanted feelings I am sort of at full capacity. I feel on the brink of an explosion and I don't want that but I don't know what else to do, where to turn, who to get to just LISTEN to me. I feel trapped inside of my mind and I just want so badly to scream until I make everyones ears bleed. HEAR ME for once and not just yourself. But I can't do that because I want people happy. I don't want to bring others down. I am a people pleaser. Or so I'd like to think.
Major depression.
We hear women and men use this as an excuse for reasons as to why they can't lead a normal life. My mom has it. Every woman in my family seems to be on some sort of anti-depressant medication. I've always told myself I will.not.be.like.them. I am different. I can overcome the sadness. But honestly…..I can't. I'm to the age now where if I don't admit what's wrong with me, accept it, face it head on that I am likely to just be numb. Emotionless. I feel it coming. Its right here.
I saw a psychologist the other day for an evaluation. I have always been convinced that I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have difficulty focusing, remembering things, finishing tasks, anger, etc. All the signs are there. And the older I get the more difficult it is to manage. So, my medical doctor suggested getting a formal evaluation. I didn't get what I was expecting.
The office was….so quiet. Very zen. I am not used to quiet. I have three kids, two dogs and a husband who pretty much is a kid himself. I love them to pieces but I get no peace. So I was a bit taken aback by this strange atmosphere. He was a kind man, willing to listen and not judge. He asked a series of questions and I answered honestly not realizing I was being evaluated for something entirely different than what I was planning.
"I know I sound so crazy telling you these things."
"You're not crazy. You're just human."
His words were nice to hear, but his diagnosis was not. According to him I am the stereotypical 29 year old woman who has a heap of anxiety, thought processing disorder, tons of stress as well as major depression.
I've never considered myself a depressed person. All my life I've been the happy, bubbly, social butterfly. However, in recent years I've felt my drive to be closer to people decreasing. I trust less. Close myself off more. Lack energy to do things I once loved. Find myself obsessing over foolish things.
"I am not depressed. I have a good life, I love my kids, my friends, my husband. We're good."
"Do you ever have a week or two out of the month where you feel just, tired and detached? Like you want to stay in bed all day, not leave the house, not do a thing and you just feel lifeless?"
"Sure I do. Its called that time of the month, in women. I'm used to it."
"No, its called ongoing depression, Ashley."
Oh.
I've denied and denied until I am blue in the face and even when I was shamefully telling my husband about the appointment last night I denied. I am happy! I want to be so happy…..
But now I am coming to terms with the fact that…perhaps he is right.
No one wants to admit to something of this magnitude. Especially when its something that is "so common". I don't want to just be another one of those people. I don't want to be an echo. But for now, I have to be. I have to face it and fix it. I'm tired of feeling the sadness and pushing it down. I'm tired of feeling like my husband would rather be at work than home. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. Tired of being a mom who isn't doing all she can. Tired of wondering if my friends are going to drop me because I am not as fun as I once was. Tired of keeping it all locked inside afraid to tell a soul for fear of rejection.
I am just so tired.
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