kaleidoscope heart.

Day 10-19

Life is a beautiful thing. It's given to us and we've only got one chance to make it as amazing, memorable and fulfilling as possible. Sometimes with all the chaos that it brings you tend to forget small things like that but once in a while you can sit back and reflect. It's then you're reminded of how lucky we are.

I can say the last 9 days have been great. Busy, busy, busy! I might not live the fast life with all the glitz and glamour but I can guarantee my job is a lot harder than those that do! But rewarding nonetheless. All the positive things about my medication stand still. So far nothing is really weighing me down. I've tossed all that negative energy out the window and couldn't care less. That's the incredible thing.

Although it's also kind of a downer too. The not so great side affects are my inability to feel intense emotion about certain things. Sure I get sad when my kids are hurt and I can laugh with my good friends, flirt with my husband and feel the motivation to get stuff done. But, things that once made me so emotional have no affect on me anymore. Its a good and a bad thing. Just last week there was something I was so upset about but, I couldn't muster up the tears to cry. I was unable to mourn it. I found it nice to not be so weepy but one of my close friends told me,"if you can't cry there's kinda something wrong. It's not supposed to be that way." Perhaps she's right. But that's the reason I'm writing these posts, to keep up with everything so when I go in August I can lay down the facts on how it's affected me.

Sleep. Its the best thing in the world. Even better than coffee - yes, I said it. I miss sleep, so very much. That has been a huge issue. I already have insomnia so the fact that its taking me THREE HOURS to fall asleep sucks! I go to bed so early now because I am literally exhausted from my days but there's a heap ton of tossing, turning, thinking..... A woman thinking? That's never good.

I will survive though! I have been doing phenomenal so far and I will keep on trucking. I just have to remind myself I am not doing this for me - not totally. I am doing it for those around me. My kids, my husband, my family, my friends. It's a big deal but I am strong enough to handle it.

I always have been.

Feel the fire burning up. Inspire me with blood of blue and green. I have hope. Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope.