Echo.

"Do you hear me? Do you hear me? Cause I need to, just to reach you. Can you hear me? Come in clearly. Am I hollow? Just an echo."

I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to say here. Its midnight and I can't sleep, as usual. I am laying in the bed and I've got this nagging in my brain telling me go write, get everything off of your chest. What exactly is everything though? My brain is so overloaded with useless junk and unwanted feelings I am sort of at full capacity. I feel on the brink of an explosion and I don't want that but I don't know what else to do, where to turn, who to get to just LISTEN to me. I feel trapped inside of my mind and I just want so badly to scream until I make everyones ears bleed. HEAR ME for once and not just yourself. But I can't do that because I want people happy. I don't want to bring others down. I am a people pleaser. Or so I'd like to think.

Major depression. 

We hear women and men use this as an excuse for reasons as to why they can't lead a normal life. My mom has it. Every woman in my family seems to be on some sort of anti-depressant medication. I've always told myself I will.not.be.like.them. I am different. I can overcome the sadness. But honestly…..I can't. I'm to the age now where if I don't admit what's wrong with me, accept it, face it head on that I am likely to just be numb. Emotionless. I feel it coming. Its right here. 

I saw a psychologist the other day for an evaluation. I have always been convinced that I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have difficulty focusing, remembering things, finishing tasks, anger, etc. All the signs are there. And the older I get the more difficult it is to manage. So, my medical doctor suggested getting a formal evaluation. I didn't get what I was expecting. 

The office was….so quiet. Very zen. I am not used to quiet. I have three kids, two dogs and a husband who pretty much is a kid himself. I love them to pieces but I get no peace. So I was a bit taken aback by this strange atmosphere. He was a kind man, willing to listen and not judge. He asked a series of questions and I answered honestly not realizing I was being evaluated for something entirely different than what I was planning. 

"I know I sound so crazy telling you these things."

"You're not crazy. You're just human."

His words were nice to hear, but his diagnosis was not. According to him I am the stereotypical 29 year old woman who has a heap of anxiety, thought processing disorder, tons of stress as well as major depression. 

I've never considered myself a depressed person. All my life I've been the happy, bubbly, social butterfly. However, in recent years I've felt my drive to be closer to people decreasing. I trust less. Close myself off more. Lack energy to do things I once loved. Find myself obsessing over foolish things. 

"I am not depressed. I have a good life, I love my kids, my friends, my husband. We're good."

"Do you ever have a week or two out of the month where you feel just, tired and detached? Like you want to stay in bed all day, not leave the house, not do a thing and you just feel lifeless?"

"Sure I do. Its called that time of the month, in women. I'm used to it."

"No, its called ongoing depression, Ashley."

Oh.

I've denied and denied until I am blue in the face and even when I was shamefully telling my husband about the appointment last night I denied. I am happy! I want to be so happy…..

But now I am coming to terms with the fact that…perhaps he is right. 

No one wants to admit to something of this magnitude. Especially when its something that is "so common". I don't want to just be another one of those people. I don't want to be an echo. But for now, I have to be. I have to face it and fix it. I'm tired of feeling the sadness and pushing it down. I'm tired of feeling like my husband would rather be at work than home. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. Tired of being a mom who isn't doing all she can. Tired of wondering if my friends are going to drop me because I am not as fun as I once was. Tired of keeping it all locked inside afraid to tell a soul for fear of rejection.

I am just so tired.