Anger

What the hell is wrong with you?! You have the audacity to be upset with me?? After all the shit I have put up with from you, you think that this is right? That this is fair? I am such an idiot. I thought that I had some intelligence in this brain of mine but clearly I was wrong. Only a moron would let all of this back in again. You say you were "warned" about me. That you shouldn't let me in. Who sought who out? Who emailed whom? Who called first? Who is the one who always causes this??? I am so tired of being made out like I am the bad guy. If I am wrong I will admit I am wrong.

I want to punch a wall. I want to punch your face. I want to shake you and tell you to say something! I gave you the opportunity to stop me from walking out that door. But you didn't. You just let me go like I meant nothing to you. Maybe I don't. Maybe all this time it was just a facade. But why? It makes no sense. How can a person be so loving and doting and then just piss on you? Why do you say one thing and I feel it from your heart but your actions say another. Why am I always struggling to feel involved in your life? 

Remember when Brooke was crying to Lucas at Naley's wedding and said,"why don't you ever just let me all the way in??" it was the turning point for their relationship. Lucas didn't know why he couldn't let her in but Brooke knew. Deep down. Now I know too. Its the worst feeling ever that's for sure. Just to realize that the person you love with every fiber of your being doesn't feel the same way about you. They prefer others. Every….single….time. It's always someone else.

Being 31 years old you think I've had enough life experience to know how to read people but even after all this time and even though I am an empath I still can't read you. At one time the word 'soul mates' came to mind. We're not. The ESP was nothing but coincidence.

I need the upset and the anger to melt away. I don't want it to consume me. I hate everything about you. Why the hell do I love you? 

Denial & Isolation

I'm alone with my thoughts as I travel down this winding, long road. I feel like nothing has changed. I'm the same person as is everyone else. This is just another day. Just another Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday… The sun is bright but the clouds are looming in the distance. Looks like rain. Take cover!

My life is as it is and all is good. All is good. All…is…good…. right? But….

No! 

No! 

All is good, dammit. I refuse to let the sadness in. I refuse to let it get the best of me. I don't deserve that. Too much has happened to allow anything real to sink in. I'll just sit here, listening to the radio and pretend like I am fine. 

I'm not.

But, I am. I have to be. Everyone else is depending on me to be fine. No one understands.

I am fine.

I am perfect.

You won't break me.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

When did it happen? Why didn't I see it coming? I wonder if the signs were there and I just chose to ignore them. That could be the case because I sometimes have too much in this head of mine and overlook things. I wonder if its repairable. Do I want to repair it? The entirety of the situation brings so much joy but also so much heartache. Why would I want to put myself through that again when I've spent a long time getting over it?

But am I really over it? Outside I say yes but inside that's another story. I feel a piece of me has died and anytime my heart whispers to me, bringing the memories forward again I almost can't breathe. Someone's punched me in the stomach and I am doubled over, dying. Oh wait, no, that's just the never-ending pain from the past. I'll live, this I know. I will be happy with my amazing friends and my family, this is truth. I'll smile as I go to parties, make road trips, work, finish school, watch my kids flourish and move out of here. The moments I am alone and I hear that old familiar song is when it will strike. For a brief, 3-4 minutes I allow the pain to take over and try not to swerve as I drive to the store to pickup what my family needs. It's all consuming and holds on so tightly, wanting to take over and bring me down into its pool of depression. I can't let it. I have too many people counting on me. Don't give in to that dark place again because you've worked your ass off not to go there.

Some may say my thoughts are dramatic. That's why I don't share it with anyone because no one understands. Mom does, I know she does. Yet somehow I still feel alone with this torture. Will it ever go away? No. My heart has been broken a few times through my 31 years on this planet. But, never like this. I can't explain it. It's as if the grim reaper came and took it all away. Instantly. No chance to say goodbye. No final I love you. No questions answered. Crash and burn. We're done. The End. Game Over.

Oh, how I'd love just one more day. One more laugh. One more touch. One more whisper. One more racy thought that makes me question everything about myself. Is it possible? In a perfect world, perhaps. But not in my world.

I am Ashley and I have to carry the weight of everything inside. There's no escaping it. I love my wonderful life that I have and I wouldn't trade it for a million pearls (which is saying a lot). Inside it all shall stay until I am old and gone. Buried beneath the dirt or scattered across the sea.

The quiet things, that no one ever knows.

The girl who hates change….

BIG changes are coming!

HUGE decisions have been made!

AMAZING things are happening!

Oh yeah. I am - actually - excited.

Can't complain about much these days. I believe we'll be okay.

You are going to have moments of unbearable pain. 

"It takes time to learn how to heal yourself. And healing sometimes still leaves scars. Healing is sometimes incomplete. Think of your scars as battle wounds -- evidence of how much wiser you are now -- maps of where not to return. Cherish these scars and honor them. There will come times when they are the only reminder of where you have been, and how much you still need to grow."

It hurts everyday. Yet I embrace that pain. Its a reminder of how strong I am. How far I've come. 

For those that know me, they know that music is my soul. I sometimes have a hard time saying things with my own words just because everything in my mind gets jumbled or I start to cry because confrontation turns me into a three year old. It's how I relate to Glee so much. Not just because my inner nerd remembers being in choir back in the day but…because they use songs to show their feelings on every single type of situation. Relationships, family, friendships, faith, future and so much more.

This year is about the positive things around me yet sometimes when a song comes on the radio I can't help but be pulled into the past. Just that one time to reflect on how whatever situation I am relating the song too made me feel. For instance:

Jimmy Eat World - Anything One Tree Hill
Mike C - Junior
Techno pop - Looneys
Trespassers William, Lie In The Sound - the start of my roleplaying hobby
Skillet's song, Monster - my son
Blue October - my absolutely depressive state
The Pretty Reckless, Make Me Wanna Die - that time I was chair dancing and totally busted my ass
Sanctus Real, Lead me - my husband washing the dishes in the kitchen that day
Shinedown, Adrenaline - WORKOUT!
Three Days Grace - Gina
Young The Giant, Cough syrup - that one kid :/
Bullet For My Valentine, Tears Don't Fall - shower jams

I have never been a major fan of Miley Cyrus - with the exception of my ridiculous Hannah Montana obsession. I don't despise her but she's also not one of my top musicians. I don't judge how she's leading her life now, I understand the girl is breaking out of her Disney mold and more power too her.

She has, however, created one of the best songs I've ever heard. Every single lyric in it speaks volumes to me and situations from a previous year. When I hear it, I can feel her emotion intertwined with my own and it pulls at those musical heartstrings. I know that I am not alone in being so connected this way to a melody. I have had people in my life that I was so incredibly close too - I would give them my right foot if they needed it but it was always lacking. Like something was missing.

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say, I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now we're ashes on the ground

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win