I shall....

I enjoy blogging. Reading others and writing my own has been a favored past time for many years now. We won't go into how many and how it all got started because that's another post for another day. 

I recently read one of the many stories from mother to mother and I felt so uplifted by her REAL and INSPIRING words that I wanted to create my own.

The post was compiled of vows made to ones self. We all get so caught up in this busy world we live in no one ever takes long enough to enjoy the moments they have with their children. 

There have been many times in the last 8 1/2 years that I've wanted to throw in the towel and give up. Its those days where the kids won't stop arguing, nothing pleases them, gratitude is not given, tantrums are loud, friends dump on you, the washing machine breaks, your hair looks like you just rode down Sunset with the top down, you've kissed so many boo boos you've lost count and we begin to feel that we're the only person experiencing these hard ships. That's just not true.

1. I shall not compare myself to any other mother out there. God made me who I am and I am grateful for that.

2. I will never live a fabulously lavish lifestyle and I am perfectly okay with that. Money and things don't buy happiness. Friends and family do.

3. I shall tell my kids yes when they ask for me to make them a blanket fort on the stairwell.

4. I shall not get irritated when I am asked for the 14th cup of water after bedtimes come. These moments won't be here forever.

5. I shall not try and finish every single load of laundry on Sunday but instead go outside and ride bikes with the kids. The clothes will be there tomorrow.

6. I shall not compare my casserole, artwork, house decor to ANYTHING on Pinterest. 

7. I shall show my kids that dancing doesn't have to be 1&2&3 but something wild and crazy, where you can throw your hair around while you jump on couches. 

8. I shall accept my body and all the scars for what they are. Markings of true love.

9. I shall not have fear when I go to get inside of my truck. Those crushed crackers, empty go-gurt packs, water bottles and toys are a sign that my kids have fun on rides.

10. I shall not make others feel bad about themselves or their life choices. 

11. I shall raise honest, loving, hard working children to the best of my ability because this world needs more of that. 

12. I shall muster up enough energy to read one more bed time story even when I have been awake since 6am cleaning, playing, running errands and cooking - with no coffee!

13. I shall love their father immensely and make sure they know I love him.

14. I shall say sorry when sorry is necessary. 

15. I shall give my friends the gift of a guilt-free friendship.

I am a warrior.

Not a victim of your pain.

kaleidoscope heart.

Day 10-19

Life is a beautiful thing. It's given to us and we've only got one chance to make it as amazing, memorable and fulfilling as possible. Sometimes with all the chaos that it brings you tend to forget small things like that but once in a while you can sit back and reflect. It's then you're reminded of how lucky we are.

I can say the last 9 days have been great. Busy, busy, busy! I might not live the fast life with all the glitz and glamour but I can guarantee my job is a lot harder than those that do! But rewarding nonetheless. All the positive things about my medication stand still. So far nothing is really weighing me down. I've tossed all that negative energy out the window and couldn't care less. That's the incredible thing.

Although it's also kind of a downer too. The not so great side affects are my inability to feel intense emotion about certain things. Sure I get sad when my kids are hurt and I can laugh with my good friends, flirt with my husband and feel the motivation to get stuff done. But, things that once made me so emotional have no affect on me anymore. Its a good and a bad thing. Just last week there was something I was so upset about but, I couldn't muster up the tears to cry. I was unable to mourn it. I found it nice to not be so weepy but one of my close friends told me,"if you can't cry there's kinda something wrong. It's not supposed to be that way." Perhaps she's right. But that's the reason I'm writing these posts, to keep up with everything so when I go in August I can lay down the facts on how it's affected me.

Sleep. Its the best thing in the world. Even better than coffee - yes, I said it. I miss sleep, so very much. That has been a huge issue. I already have insomnia so the fact that its taking me THREE HOURS to fall asleep sucks! I go to bed so early now because I am literally exhausted from my days but there's a heap ton of tossing, turning, thinking..... A woman thinking? That's never good.

I will survive though! I have been doing phenomenal so far and I will keep on trucking. I just have to remind myself I am not doing this for me - not totally. I am doing it for those around me. My kids, my husband, my family, my friends. It's a big deal but I am strong enough to handle it.

I always have been.

Feel the fire burning up. Inspire me with blood of blue and green. I have hope. Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope. 

days go by.

Day 2-9

Positives: All I can say is wow. Who knew that something as simple as a small pill could make such a difference in a persons life. I've been missing out! For eight years I could have avoided all of the negative feelings, the intense anxiety, the carnage thoughts, the insecurity, the tears... oh the tears!!!

My eyes are clear. The veil has been raised. Patience is still thin but growing thicker each progressing day. I see people for who they really are. I can distinguish the fake from the real. I am more motivated - things are getting done! And the best of all, I am enjoying life.

I always knew I had a pretty fantastic life but kind of took it for granted. Who wouldn't wish for what I have? My husband (although still a kid himself most times) loves me completely. He might get under my skin and make me want to shake my fist at the heavens but God knows I wouldn't be me without him by my side. He gave me these three intelligent, challenging, surprising, loving, beautiful children! My Alabama family is absolutely insane but you know what? I wouldn't trade them for $1,000,000,000. They support me even when I am not at my best.

And my friends, the very few that I know are actually there for me and not just for some gossip, are absolute treasures. I don't need 50+ friends like I used to have when I was a teenager. Just give me 1 or 2 good ones, a  bottle of wine and I'll be fine for the rest of my days <3

One more great thing about this though is the feelings. Sometimes in my life I will cry at the most ridiculous things. It angers me because I don't want to be some weeping willow. And now I don't have to be! I have emotions and feel bad for certain situations but they don't make me cry like before. And that is beautiful.

Negatives: Nausea is actually there. It hits about 7 hours into it but nothing I haven't been able to handle.

"So don't sit back and watch the days go by. Are you ever gonna live before you die? And when things fall apart, the world has come undone, leave it all behind. Leave the loneliness alone. You wait forever blind."

this is war.

For the next month I am going to be documenting (for myself) the changes that occur while starting this new chapter. After thorough research I hope that all of the positives come through more so than the negatives.

Day 1.

No nausea today! Everything I read up on said that would happen but so far, not uh :)

I didn't feel any different really. Just a bit warmer than usual but that could just be the rising socal temperatures. Overall it really was a great day with sun, pool and relaxation. I look forward to many more days like today and honestly hope no major changes occur in the coming weeks.

What I am most looking forward too is to be graced with more patience again. I used to have so much. Over the years its dwindled away for various reasons. I also hope that it takes my focus more towards the important things in life. I obsess over something so stupid. Why worry about someone who clearly doesn't give your feelings a second guess? Why feed into the childish games? Its pointless. I am still young enough to get everything I want out of life. And we only have one so live it to its fullest!

"Its the moment of truth and the moment to lie. The moment to live and the moment to die. The moment to fight. The moment to fight."

Echo.

"Do you hear me? Do you hear me? Cause I need to, just to reach you. Can you hear me? Come in clearly. Am I hollow? Just an echo."

I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to say here. Its midnight and I can't sleep, as usual. I am laying in the bed and I've got this nagging in my brain telling me go write, get everything off of your chest. What exactly is everything though? My brain is so overloaded with useless junk and unwanted feelings I am sort of at full capacity. I feel on the brink of an explosion and I don't want that but I don't know what else to do, where to turn, who to get to just LISTEN to me. I feel trapped inside of my mind and I just want so badly to scream until I make everyones ears bleed. HEAR ME for once and not just yourself. But I can't do that because I want people happy. I don't want to bring others down. I am a people pleaser. Or so I'd like to think.

Major depression. 

We hear women and men use this as an excuse for reasons as to why they can't lead a normal life. My mom has it. Every woman in my family seems to be on some sort of anti-depressant medication. I've always told myself I will.not.be.like.them. I am different. I can overcome the sadness. But honestly…..I can't. I'm to the age now where if I don't admit what's wrong with me, accept it, face it head on that I am likely to just be numb. Emotionless. I feel it coming. Its right here. 

I saw a psychologist the other day for an evaluation. I have always been convinced that I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have difficulty focusing, remembering things, finishing tasks, anger, etc. All the signs are there. And the older I get the more difficult it is to manage. So, my medical doctor suggested getting a formal evaluation. I didn't get what I was expecting. 

The office was….so quiet. Very zen. I am not used to quiet. I have three kids, two dogs and a husband who pretty much is a kid himself. I love them to pieces but I get no peace. So I was a bit taken aback by this strange atmosphere. He was a kind man, willing to listen and not judge. He asked a series of questions and I answered honestly not realizing I was being evaluated for something entirely different than what I was planning. 

"I know I sound so crazy telling you these things."

"You're not crazy. You're just human."

His words were nice to hear, but his diagnosis was not. According to him I am the stereotypical 29 year old woman who has a heap of anxiety, thought processing disorder, tons of stress as well as major depression. 

I've never considered myself a depressed person. All my life I've been the happy, bubbly, social butterfly. However, in recent years I've felt my drive to be closer to people decreasing. I trust less. Close myself off more. Lack energy to do things I once loved. Find myself obsessing over foolish things. 

"I am not depressed. I have a good life, I love my kids, my friends, my husband. We're good."

"Do you ever have a week or two out of the month where you feel just, tired and detached? Like you want to stay in bed all day, not leave the house, not do a thing and you just feel lifeless?"

"Sure I do. Its called that time of the month, in women. I'm used to it."

"No, its called ongoing depression, Ashley."

Oh.

I've denied and denied until I am blue in the face and even when I was shamefully telling my husband about the appointment last night I denied. I am happy! I want to be so happy…..

But now I am coming to terms with the fact that…perhaps he is right. 

No one wants to admit to something of this magnitude. Especially when its something that is "so common". I don't want to just be another one of those people. I don't want to be an echo. But for now, I have to be. I have to face it and fix it. I'm tired of feeling the sadness and pushing it down. I'm tired of feeling like my husband would rather be at work than home. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. Tired of being a mom who isn't doing all she can. Tired of wondering if my friends are going to drop me because I am not as fun as I once was. Tired of keeping it all locked inside afraid to tell a soul for fear of rejection.

I am just so tired.

Lucero

"Sometimes when you vent, you don't need advice or someones opinion. You just want to tell somebody. You just want someone who will actually listen."

You can't prepare for it.
You can't predict you're going to be alright.
You can't thoroughly plan your day so full so you don't think about it.

It's coming and when it does everything that comes along with it is catastrophic.  You know what I am talking about. The dreaded D word.

Deployment.

You'd think that since this is our second deployment that we'd be semi-pros at this by now. Or at least experienced. But last time was different compared to this time. Last time I had the bright idea to pack up my two kids and dog and move back home with mama! I thought it was going to be perfect when in actuality it was far from it. What I did not notice at the time though was it surprisingly was beneficial for me because I was so busy fussing about this or that involving my family I didn't have much time to dwell on the real thing going on. That my husband was overseas for seven months doing all these different things in all these exotic countries.

This time we decided it was best to stay put in our home. Besides, I am five months pregnant and don't need to be traveling across the country anytime soon. We moved into a really nice, larger home as well with lots of unpacking to do so I figured this would be a cake walk. I'll spend my days unpacking, taking kids to school, socializing with friends, doing the t-ball/dance thing while we anxiously await our sweet baby Teagan to come in January. I never anticipated that I'd feel as much hurt as I do right now. And its not that I feel he's neglecting us or anything because I understand, duty calls. He has to answer it and do what they say. I just feel sort of...abandoned.

I've never been one to really show how I am truly feeling regarding situations like this - the tough things. And I still won't openly admit to how my head and heart are doing right now. Ill still give the "Oh Im fine" answer when people ask how I am doing. In all honesty, I couldn't even put into words how I am feeling. But one thing is true, it gets the worst at night. Making that walk up those stairs to an empty bedroom causes an ache inside. You don't realize how much you truly do love someone until they're not around.

When you have them beside you constantly you're always talking or bickering or doing minuscule things and forget to really appreciate how your heart swells and how much comfort you feel when they're there. One thing is true though...no matter how much that man irks me (and he does) I still love him with everything I have to give.

And although this is one of the hardest things a military spouse has to go through it will only make me love him more.