For those that know me, they know that music is my soul. I sometimes have a hard time saying things with my own words just because everything in my mind gets jumbled or I start to cry because confrontation turns me into a three year old. It's how I relate to Glee so much. Not just because my inner nerd remembers being in choir back in the day but…because they use songs to show their feelings on every single type of situation. Relationships, family, friendships, faith, future and so much more.

This year is about the positive things around me yet sometimes when a song comes on the radio I can't help but be pulled into the past. Just that one time to reflect on how whatever situation I am relating the song too made me feel. For instance:

Jimmy Eat World - Anything One Tree Hill
Mike C - Junior
Techno pop - Looneys
Trespassers William, Lie In The Sound - the start of my roleplaying hobby
Skillet's song, Monster - my son
Blue October - my absolutely depressive state
The Pretty Reckless, Make Me Wanna Die - that time I was chair dancing and totally busted my ass
Sanctus Real, Lead me - my husband washing the dishes in the kitchen that day
Shinedown, Adrenaline - WORKOUT!
Three Days Grace - Gina
Young The Giant, Cough syrup - that one kid :/
Bullet For My Valentine, Tears Don't Fall - shower jams

I have never been a major fan of Miley Cyrus - with the exception of my ridiculous Hannah Montana obsession. I don't despise her but she's also not one of my top musicians. I don't judge how she's leading her life now, I understand the girl is breaking out of her Disney mold and more power too her.

She has, however, created one of the best songs I've ever heard. Every single lyric in it speaks volumes to me and situations from a previous year. When I hear it, I can feel her emotion intertwined with my own and it pulls at those musical heartstrings. I know that I am not alone in being so connected this way to a melody. I have had people in my life that I was so incredibly close too - I would give them my right foot if they needed it but it was always lacking. Like something was missing.

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say, I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now we're ashes on the ground

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

To the mom who's breastfeeding: way to go! It really is an amazing gift to give your baby, for any amount of time that you can manage! You're a good mom.

To the mom who's formula feeding: Isn't science amazing? To think there was a time when a baby with a mother who couldn't produce enough would suffer but now? Better living through chemistry! You're a good mom.

To the cloth diapering mom: fluffy bums are the cutest and so friendly on the bank account. You're a good mom.

To the disposable diapering mom: damn, those things hold a lot and it's excellent to not worry about leakage and laundry! You're a good mom.

To the mom who stays at home: I can imagine it isn't easy doing what you do but to spend those precious years with your babies must be amazing. You're a good mom.

To the mom who works: It's wonderful that you're sticking to your career, you're a positive role model for your children in so many ways, it's fantastic. You're a good mom.

To the mom who had to feed her kids from the drive thru all week because you're too worn out to cook or go grocery shopping: You're feeding your kids, and hey, I bet they aren't complaining! Sometimes sanity can indeed be found in a red box with a big yellow M on it. You're a good mom.

To the mom who gave her kids a home cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past week: Excellent! Good nutrition is important and they're learning to enjoy healthy foods at an early age. You're a good mom.

To the mom with the kids who are sitting quietly and using their manners in a fancy restaurant: kudos, it takes a lot to maintain order with children in a place where they can't run around. You're a good mom.

To the mom with the toddler having a meltdown in the cereal aisle: they always seem to pick the most embarrassing places to lose their minds don't they? We've all been through it. You're a good mom.

To the moms who judge other moms for ANY of the above? Glass houses, friend. Glass houses…

Over the Hills and Far Away.

Oh my heart. Its so heavy tonight. I wish I could just get the words out that I need to say. There is a barrier though. Music always helps me figure things out. It helps me say the words that I can't express. It helps me get across my message.

In these moments of loss and torment
When the vast skies don't seem to call to you
When the weight of this world bears down
And the stars have fallen like tears

I am with you, always
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away

Monuments built in remembrance of me
But monuments fade, erode and decay
The memories are all that remain
As far as east is from west, remember

I am with you, always.
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away

I love discovering new blogs!

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I do not tolerate bullying. As a child I was picked on for the most ridiculous reasons. One of the main ones being the fact that I walked on my tip toes. I walked differently and in the third grade this boy with nothing better to do decided to name me the 'tip toe master.' It taunted me throughout my entire elementary years. Even now if I run into someone from my past they bring it up. Yes, we all know that I walked like a ballerina when I was 8 years old. Get over it and move on people!

Now that I am thirty and have three children I no longer worry what people say about me. I could care less what is whispered behind my back. What I do care about is my children being picked on. My oldest who is nine has never come across many issues. I think once someone said her accent was weird but what do you expect? We're southern folk living in California now - thanks Navy! My son however, is a different story. Having a child who is on the spectrum makes life interesting. I wouldn't call it bad but definitely not the norm. He doesn't do well with people saying things about him because rage comes out and it ends up being a whole different issue than just a little name calling. I try to instill in him that he is good. He is pure. He is loved. Everyday before school I say,"be a nice person." I want him to be that kind hearted soul who defends others rather than becomes that mean bully. In the past we've had issues with him picking on others but that was because he didn't quite know how to communicate. With the proper therapy (and dietary changes!) he's made such a tremendous change. We are beyond proud of the little man he's becoming. I still worry though. If one kid decides to be nasty it could make him snap. All of our progress will go down the toilet. 

I've wrestled with how to handle this for quite some time now and tonight I stumbled across a blog that helped so much. Sandy hit the nail on the head with this one. Her words are everything I want to say to my children. A lot of people like to say that technology hurts us more than helps but I think that's wrong. We're so informed now! 50 years ago if you had a situation like bullies you would just be told to fight back. Punch now, consequences later. But that isn't how I want to raise my children. We are fortunate to have the resources that we have today. I encourage everyone to read this blog. You won't regret it!

http://thescooponbalance.com/what-to-do-when-someone-is-mean-to-your-child/ <- Check it out. You won't be sorry. It could even help you find the words you need.

war of change

Do you ever have so much going on that you can't stop to think? You place all these obligations on your plate just to give yourself some sort of distraction. You NEED to keep your mind from wandering because letting everything else in is just too hard.

Then it happens. The feeling is staggering. I want to fall to my knees and cry to the heavens, asking why, God, why? What have I done to deserve such punishment? I want to believe that He has a plan for my life. But sometimes the pain is all consuming and it's impossible to look past the aching.

But when my weak moment has passed I manage to pick myself up and take a breath. It's okay to let the hurt inside briefly and mourn the losses you've endured. We wouldn't be human if we just shut everything off. It would definitely be easier but when did anyone say life was easy?

Its a truth that in love and war world's collide and hearts get broken. I want to live like I know I'm dying. Take up my cross, not be afraid.

Late night musings

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something. That the only next possible step to take is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not that you're giving up... And it's not that you shouldn't try...

It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours and  what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. 

for my sake.

I remember like yesterday
You had a dream in your eyes and a smile on your face
And I'm missing those days again, yeah I'm missing those days again
And I forgot what really got in the way
Maybe the sun that wouldn't shine should be taking the blame
Cause its raining on me again, yeah its raining on me again

A paradox
The key you dropped
A manifest
For what you lost, was me
For my sake please....

Stop slowing me down, stop holding me up
Quit making a scene, enough's enough
Let's be honest, your promise, was never meant to last
So I'm taking you on, I'm calling you out
There's nothing left for us here now
Let's be honest, I promise I'm never looking back for my sake
For my sake

Tell me something that's poetic at best
Make me believe there was a time you weren't like the rest
And I'll never ask you again, I'll never ask you again
For all the moments and the memories
No one could ever say we never had a history
But I'm leaving that all behind
And there is nothing gonna change my mind

-------

"Every song ends. But is that any reason not to enjoy the music?"

I have to let you go. You hurt me more than you heal me. I won't give you the satisfaction to know exactly what I am thinking. You get far too much pleasure out of my pain. I thought you were my friend. I wish you a life of happiness but, I know that everyday you will think of me. When you hear that song. When you watch that television show. When you see that celebrity. When you find that old photograph. Your heart will ache and you should know that I tried my best to save it. But you didn't want it. And that's on you, forever.