PAG

There is a girl I know that I must tell you about. We call her Payton (but her friends call her Pay Pay).

She is this little beauty that I have known for nearly nine years now. Her heart is full of innocence, imagination and love. How do I know her? Its simple really. I had a hand in bringing her into this world. She is my daughter. My first daughter. 

Ever since Payton made her journey into this crazy life we live in I've always known she was special. Most moms say things like that about their children but I have this gut instinct that she is going to do something absolutely phenomenal someday. So far she's not slacking. Payton is the reason I still believe in people. So many have let me down over the years and proven that they are not good. You begin to lose a little faith in humanity. But, how can you when sunshine lives in your household?

She is smart as a whip too! Her teachers have always raved about how incredible she is. It makes a mom quite proud to have a daughter like that. I attribute most of her brain to her father though. He's the genius in the family. I'm just the dreamer.

This year, this week...she starts the third grade. I can't believe she's growing so fast. 

A heart as big as the stars too! This girl would give her last dollar to a homeless person. She enjoys donating to cancer research and cries so much when people get hurt. She is an incredible big sister too and has a knack for defending her brother against cruel people. We all have our days and she certainly is no different. We are approaching teenage years and at times I can see a hint of the attitude I am going to have to face. No matter what she does, no matter how many mistakes are made I will always love her more than anyone else in this world. I vow to be her strength when she needs it. To try and shield her from the pain of bullies. To give her advice on boys. To be her shoulder when her friends let her down. To be that ear when she's ready to open up. I will forever be the best mother to my child. 

She's something silly thats for sure! Just today she was bouncing around the house singing songs from her favorite movies. And let me tell you, that girl LOVES to sing. Pitch Perfect songs are currently her favorite. Monster High dolls are the best toy. A laptop, facebook and iPhone are something she longs for - ha! Riiiiight! Deuce Gorgon is her "crush". Pink is the BEST color. Friends are her major priority. Dressing up in fancy clothes, wearing her mothers shoes and putting on dark lipgloss are things she enjoys far more than I like. 

We're getting to the age where she has bad influences. It's hard to try and steer her away from them. Especially when they are friends. I try my best everyday to remind her what is right and what is wrong. I also try my best to keep her in the know on things that I feel are age appropriate. I wonder what else she might know, that she hasn't shared with me. I know she's going to keep secrets and that is okay. It's normal for daughters to keep some things to themselves. I have to accept the fact that even though I want to always be her everything, I have to let her go and someday she will come back to me. 

But not yet! 

She's still my braid wearing, popsicle loving, doll having, Disney Princess toothbrush using, bicycle riding, tree climbing baby girl. And I am so thankful God let me be her mother.

hear you me.

It's been one year.

And yet it still feels like yesterday that I heard your voice. I still remember your smell. I can certainly remember the food you liked to eat. The soap operas you enjoyed watching. Desperate Housewives FTW - which I just finished watching for the second time in tribute to you. I even got Jb into it! I still smile thinking back on how kind your heart was. There wasn't a person in this world that had an ill feeling towards you. Sometimes you made us all a bit crazy but that was your job. You were the glue that held the family together.

Since you've been gone every thing has fallen apart. Nothing is the same and yet everything is exactly as it was. It's complicated. All of us suffer in our own way. We've got different coping mechanisms. Julio gambles, Krystan goes out a lot and tries to fight her dreams, mama has found God and mine is strength. I am quite strong in the face of all the sadness still hanging over our heads but inside I am a total mess. No one understands and I can't explain it. There's not a single person on this Earth I can share my feelings with. I don't really want too. Letting people in is harder for me now than it ever was before.

Is it sad that I still pick up my phone to call you? Whenever something life changing happens to me I've always known that you were the ONLY person I could call to get a positive reaction. Support. Love. Advice. No judgement. I haven't had that in 365 days. Its not fair.

And yet I am sitting here basically saying 'woe is me. poor me. sad Ashley.' Then again, you do have it better than all of us still stuck here on this planet. You're in heaven laughing it up with all the lost relatives and friends that left this world before you.

Last week my grandfather passed away. You remember him well. He was that mean old man who always liked to pick on you at the parties. He had Alzheimer's for a long time and suffered greatly. When Gail called to tell me the news I felt no sadness and at first that confused me because I've known that man since I was four years old. Then I realized that...I feel no heartache because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was his time. He needed to go. God finally ended his pain and now he could be happy.

It wasn't your time. You were so young, so beautiful. I only had 25 years with you. My kids only had 7, 4 and Teagan had none... I will try to keep your memory alive in them through photographs and old stories but it's not the same. The world is now without.

I am going to wrap this up because I don't like to let the sadness in. Just know that I will think of you always despite my inability to talk about you. You're in my heart forever Ann.

"If you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big. God wouldn't let it live."

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper

Cause somethings changed
You've been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
I never thought I'd say I'm fine

Without you.

I shall....

I enjoy blogging. Reading others and writing my own has been a favored past time for many years now. We won't go into how many and how it all got started because that's another post for another day. 

I recently read one of the many stories from mother to mother and I felt so uplifted by her REAL and INSPIRING words that I wanted to create my own.

The post was compiled of vows made to ones self. We all get so caught up in this busy world we live in no one ever takes long enough to enjoy the moments they have with their children. 

There have been many times in the last 8 1/2 years that I've wanted to throw in the towel and give up. Its those days where the kids won't stop arguing, nothing pleases them, gratitude is not given, tantrums are loud, friends dump on you, the washing machine breaks, your hair looks like you just rode down Sunset with the top down, you've kissed so many boo boos you've lost count and we begin to feel that we're the only person experiencing these hard ships. That's just not true.

1. I shall not compare myself to any other mother out there. God made me who I am and I am grateful for that.

2. I will never live a fabulously lavish lifestyle and I am perfectly okay with that. Money and things don't buy happiness. Friends and family do.

3. I shall tell my kids yes when they ask for me to make them a blanket fort on the stairwell.

4. I shall not get irritated when I am asked for the 14th cup of water after bedtimes come. These moments won't be here forever.

5. I shall not try and finish every single load of laundry on Sunday but instead go outside and ride bikes with the kids. The clothes will be there tomorrow.

6. I shall not compare my casserole, artwork, house decor to ANYTHING on Pinterest. 

7. I shall show my kids that dancing doesn't have to be 1&2&3 but something wild and crazy, where you can throw your hair around while you jump on couches. 

8. I shall accept my body and all the scars for what they are. Markings of true love.

9. I shall not have fear when I go to get inside of my truck. Those crushed crackers, empty go-gurt packs, water bottles and toys are a sign that my kids have fun on rides.

10. I shall not make others feel bad about themselves or their life choices. 

11. I shall raise honest, loving, hard working children to the best of my ability because this world needs more of that. 

12. I shall muster up enough energy to read one more bed time story even when I have been awake since 6am cleaning, playing, running errands and cooking - with no coffee!

13. I shall love their father immensely and make sure they know I love him.

14. I shall say sorry when sorry is necessary. 

15. I shall give my friends the gift of a guilt-free friendship.

I am a warrior.

Not a victim of your pain.

kaleidoscope heart.

Day 10-19

Life is a beautiful thing. It's given to us and we've only got one chance to make it as amazing, memorable and fulfilling as possible. Sometimes with all the chaos that it brings you tend to forget small things like that but once in a while you can sit back and reflect. It's then you're reminded of how lucky we are.

I can say the last 9 days have been great. Busy, busy, busy! I might not live the fast life with all the glitz and glamour but I can guarantee my job is a lot harder than those that do! But rewarding nonetheless. All the positive things about my medication stand still. So far nothing is really weighing me down. I've tossed all that negative energy out the window and couldn't care less. That's the incredible thing.

Although it's also kind of a downer too. The not so great side affects are my inability to feel intense emotion about certain things. Sure I get sad when my kids are hurt and I can laugh with my good friends, flirt with my husband and feel the motivation to get stuff done. But, things that once made me so emotional have no affect on me anymore. Its a good and a bad thing. Just last week there was something I was so upset about but, I couldn't muster up the tears to cry. I was unable to mourn it. I found it nice to not be so weepy but one of my close friends told me,"if you can't cry there's kinda something wrong. It's not supposed to be that way." Perhaps she's right. But that's the reason I'm writing these posts, to keep up with everything so when I go in August I can lay down the facts on how it's affected me.

Sleep. Its the best thing in the world. Even better than coffee - yes, I said it. I miss sleep, so very much. That has been a huge issue. I already have insomnia so the fact that its taking me THREE HOURS to fall asleep sucks! I go to bed so early now because I am literally exhausted from my days but there's a heap ton of tossing, turning, thinking..... A woman thinking? That's never good.

I will survive though! I have been doing phenomenal so far and I will keep on trucking. I just have to remind myself I am not doing this for me - not totally. I am doing it for those around me. My kids, my husband, my family, my friends. It's a big deal but I am strong enough to handle it.

I always have been.

Feel the fire burning up. Inspire me with blood of blue and green. I have hope. Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope. 

days go by.

Day 2-9

Positives: All I can say is wow. Who knew that something as simple as a small pill could make such a difference in a persons life. I've been missing out! For eight years I could have avoided all of the negative feelings, the intense anxiety, the carnage thoughts, the insecurity, the tears... oh the tears!!!

My eyes are clear. The veil has been raised. Patience is still thin but growing thicker each progressing day. I see people for who they really are. I can distinguish the fake from the real. I am more motivated - things are getting done! And the best of all, I am enjoying life.

I always knew I had a pretty fantastic life but kind of took it for granted. Who wouldn't wish for what I have? My husband (although still a kid himself most times) loves me completely. He might get under my skin and make me want to shake my fist at the heavens but God knows I wouldn't be me without him by my side. He gave me these three intelligent, challenging, surprising, loving, beautiful children! My Alabama family is absolutely insane but you know what? I wouldn't trade them for $1,000,000,000. They support me even when I am not at my best.

And my friends, the very few that I know are actually there for me and not just for some gossip, are absolute treasures. I don't need 50+ friends like I used to have when I was a teenager. Just give me 1 or 2 good ones, a  bottle of wine and I'll be fine for the rest of my days <3

One more great thing about this though is the feelings. Sometimes in my life I will cry at the most ridiculous things. It angers me because I don't want to be some weeping willow. And now I don't have to be! I have emotions and feel bad for certain situations but they don't make me cry like before. And that is beautiful.

Negatives: Nausea is actually there. It hits about 7 hours into it but nothing I haven't been able to handle.

"So don't sit back and watch the days go by. Are you ever gonna live before you die? And when things fall apart, the world has come undone, leave it all behind. Leave the loneliness alone. You wait forever blind."