The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

When did it happen? Why didn't I see it coming? I wonder if the signs were there and I just chose to ignore them. That could be the case because I sometimes have too much in this head of mine and overlook things. I wonder if its repairable. Do I want to repair it? The entirety of the situation brings so much joy but also so much heartache. Why would I want to put myself through that again when I've spent a long time getting over it?

But am I really over it? Outside I say yes but inside that's another story. I feel a piece of me has died and anytime my heart whispers to me, bringing the memories forward again I almost can't breathe. Someone's punched me in the stomach and I am doubled over, dying. Oh wait, no, that's just the never-ending pain from the past. I'll live, this I know. I will be happy with my amazing friends and my family, this is truth. I'll smile as I go to parties, make road trips, work, finish school, watch my kids flourish and move out of here. The moments I am alone and I hear that old familiar song is when it will strike. For a brief, 3-4 minutes I allow the pain to take over and try not to swerve as I drive to the store to pickup what my family needs. It's all consuming and holds on so tightly, wanting to take over and bring me down into its pool of depression. I can't let it. I have too many people counting on me. Don't give in to that dark place again because you've worked your ass off not to go there.

Some may say my thoughts are dramatic. That's why I don't share it with anyone because no one understands. Mom does, I know she does. Yet somehow I still feel alone with this torture. Will it ever go away? No. My heart has been broken a few times through my 31 years on this planet. But, never like this. I can't explain it. It's as if the grim reaper came and took it all away. Instantly. No chance to say goodbye. No final I love you. No questions answered. Crash and burn. We're done. The End. Game Over.

Oh, how I'd love just one more day. One more laugh. One more touch. One more whisper. One more racy thought that makes me question everything about myself. Is it possible? In a perfect world, perhaps. But not in my world.

I am Ashley and I have to carry the weight of everything inside. There's no escaping it. I love my wonderful life that I have and I wouldn't trade it for a million pearls (which is saying a lot). Inside it all shall stay until I am old and gone. Buried beneath the dirt or scattered across the sea.

The quiet things, that no one ever knows.

The girl who hates change….

BIG changes are coming!

HUGE decisions have been made!

AMAZING things are happening!

Oh yeah. I am - actually - excited.

Can't complain about much these days. I believe we'll be okay.

You are going to have moments of unbearable pain. 

"It takes time to learn how to heal yourself. And healing sometimes still leaves scars. Healing is sometimes incomplete. Think of your scars as battle wounds -- evidence of how much wiser you are now -- maps of where not to return. Cherish these scars and honor them. There will come times when they are the only reminder of where you have been, and how much you still need to grow."

It hurts everyday. Yet I embrace that pain. Its a reminder of how strong I am. How far I've come. 

For those that know me, they know that music is my soul. I sometimes have a hard time saying things with my own words just because everything in my mind gets jumbled or I start to cry because confrontation turns me into a three year old. It's how I relate to Glee so much. Not just because my inner nerd remembers being in choir back in the day but…because they use songs to show their feelings on every single type of situation. Relationships, family, friendships, faith, future and so much more.

This year is about the positive things around me yet sometimes when a song comes on the radio I can't help but be pulled into the past. Just that one time to reflect on how whatever situation I am relating the song too made me feel. For instance:

Jimmy Eat World - Anything One Tree Hill
Mike C - Junior
Techno pop - Looneys
Trespassers William, Lie In The Sound - the start of my roleplaying hobby
Skillet's song, Monster - my son
Blue October - my absolutely depressive state
The Pretty Reckless, Make Me Wanna Die - that time I was chair dancing and totally busted my ass
Sanctus Real, Lead me - my husband washing the dishes in the kitchen that day
Shinedown, Adrenaline - WORKOUT!
Three Days Grace - Gina
Young The Giant, Cough syrup - that one kid :/
Bullet For My Valentine, Tears Don't Fall - shower jams

I have never been a major fan of Miley Cyrus - with the exception of my ridiculous Hannah Montana obsession. I don't despise her but she's also not one of my top musicians. I don't judge how she's leading her life now, I understand the girl is breaking out of her Disney mold and more power too her.

She has, however, created one of the best songs I've ever heard. Every single lyric in it speaks volumes to me and situations from a previous year. When I hear it, I can feel her emotion intertwined with my own and it pulls at those musical heartstrings. I know that I am not alone in being so connected this way to a melody. I have had people in my life that I was so incredibly close too - I would give them my right foot if they needed it but it was always lacking. Like something was missing.

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say, I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now we're ashes on the ground

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

To the mom who's breastfeeding: way to go! It really is an amazing gift to give your baby, for any amount of time that you can manage! You're a good mom.

To the mom who's formula feeding: Isn't science amazing? To think there was a time when a baby with a mother who couldn't produce enough would suffer but now? Better living through chemistry! You're a good mom.

To the cloth diapering mom: fluffy bums are the cutest and so friendly on the bank account. You're a good mom.

To the disposable diapering mom: damn, those things hold a lot and it's excellent to not worry about leakage and laundry! You're a good mom.

To the mom who stays at home: I can imagine it isn't easy doing what you do but to spend those precious years with your babies must be amazing. You're a good mom.

To the mom who works: It's wonderful that you're sticking to your career, you're a positive role model for your children in so many ways, it's fantastic. You're a good mom.

To the mom who had to feed her kids from the drive thru all week because you're too worn out to cook or go grocery shopping: You're feeding your kids, and hey, I bet they aren't complaining! Sometimes sanity can indeed be found in a red box with a big yellow M on it. You're a good mom.

To the mom who gave her kids a home cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past week: Excellent! Good nutrition is important and they're learning to enjoy healthy foods at an early age. You're a good mom.

To the mom with the kids who are sitting quietly and using their manners in a fancy restaurant: kudos, it takes a lot to maintain order with children in a place where they can't run around. You're a good mom.

To the mom with the toddler having a meltdown in the cereal aisle: they always seem to pick the most embarrassing places to lose their minds don't they? We've all been through it. You're a good mom.

To the moms who judge other moms for ANY of the above? Glass houses, friend. Glass houses…

Over the Hills and Far Away.

Oh my heart. Its so heavy tonight. I wish I could just get the words out that I need to say. There is a barrier though. Music always helps me figure things out. It helps me say the words that I can't express. It helps me get across my message.

In these moments of loss and torment
When the vast skies don't seem to call to you
When the weight of this world bears down
And the stars have fallen like tears

I am with you, always
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away

Monuments built in remembrance of me
But monuments fade, erode and decay
The memories are all that remain
As far as east is from west, remember

I am with you, always.
From the darkness of night until the morning 
I am with you, always
From life until death takes me away

I love discovering new blogs!

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I do not tolerate bullying. As a child I was picked on for the most ridiculous reasons. One of the main ones being the fact that I walked on my tip toes. I walked differently and in the third grade this boy with nothing better to do decided to name me the 'tip toe master.' It taunted me throughout my entire elementary years. Even now if I run into someone from my past they bring it up. Yes, we all know that I walked like a ballerina when I was 8 years old. Get over it and move on people!

Now that I am thirty and have three children I no longer worry what people say about me. I could care less what is whispered behind my back. What I do care about is my children being picked on. My oldest who is nine has never come across many issues. I think once someone said her accent was weird but what do you expect? We're southern folk living in California now - thanks Navy! My son however, is a different story. Having a child who is on the spectrum makes life interesting. I wouldn't call it bad but definitely not the norm. He doesn't do well with people saying things about him because rage comes out and it ends up being a whole different issue than just a little name calling. I try to instill in him that he is good. He is pure. He is loved. Everyday before school I say,"be a nice person." I want him to be that kind hearted soul who defends others rather than becomes that mean bully. In the past we've had issues with him picking on others but that was because he didn't quite know how to communicate. With the proper therapy (and dietary changes!) he's made such a tremendous change. We are beyond proud of the little man he's becoming. I still worry though. If one kid decides to be nasty it could make him snap. All of our progress will go down the toilet. 

I've wrestled with how to handle this for quite some time now and tonight I stumbled across a blog that helped so much. Sandy hit the nail on the head with this one. Her words are everything I want to say to my children. A lot of people like to say that technology hurts us more than helps but I think that's wrong. We're so informed now! 50 years ago if you had a situation like bullies you would just be told to fight back. Punch now, consequences later. But that isn't how I want to raise my children. We are fortunate to have the resources that we have today. I encourage everyone to read this blog. You won't regret it!

http://thescooponbalance.com/what-to-do-when-someone-is-mean-to-your-child/ <- Check it out. You won't be sorry. It could even help you find the words you need.