war of change

Do you ever have so much going on that you can't stop to think? You place all these obligations on your plate just to give yourself some sort of distraction. You NEED to keep your mind from wandering because letting everything else in is just too hard.

Then it happens. The feeling is staggering. I want to fall to my knees and cry to the heavens, asking why, God, why? What have I done to deserve such punishment? I want to believe that He has a plan for my life. But sometimes the pain is all consuming and it's impossible to look past the aching.

But when my weak moment has passed I manage to pick myself up and take a breath. It's okay to let the hurt inside briefly and mourn the losses you've endured. We wouldn't be human if we just shut everything off. It would definitely be easier but when did anyone say life was easy?

Its a truth that in love and war world's collide and hearts get broken. I want to live like I know I'm dying. Take up my cross, not be afraid.

Late night musings

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something. That the only next possible step to take is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not that you're giving up... And it's not that you shouldn't try...

It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours and  what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. 

for my sake.

I remember like yesterday
You had a dream in your eyes and a smile on your face
And I'm missing those days again, yeah I'm missing those days again
And I forgot what really got in the way
Maybe the sun that wouldn't shine should be taking the blame
Cause its raining on me again, yeah its raining on me again

A paradox
The key you dropped
A manifest
For what you lost, was me
For my sake please....

Stop slowing me down, stop holding me up
Quit making a scene, enough's enough
Let's be honest, your promise, was never meant to last
So I'm taking you on, I'm calling you out
There's nothing left for us here now
Let's be honest, I promise I'm never looking back for my sake
For my sake

Tell me something that's poetic at best
Make me believe there was a time you weren't like the rest
And I'll never ask you again, I'll never ask you again
For all the moments and the memories
No one could ever say we never had a history
But I'm leaving that all behind
And there is nothing gonna change my mind

-------

"Every song ends. But is that any reason not to enjoy the music?"

I have to let you go. You hurt me more than you heal me. I won't give you the satisfaction to know exactly what I am thinking. You get far too much pleasure out of my pain. I thought you were my friend. I wish you a life of happiness but, I know that everyday you will think of me. When you hear that song. When you watch that television show. When you see that celebrity. When you find that old photograph. Your heart will ache and you should know that I tried my best to save it. But you didn't want it. And that's on you, forever.

don't forget to remember me

Being married to someone in the military is hard. We all know that. There are deployments, moving so far away from home, not having family close by and one of the worst things is finding a friend that won't betray your good heart.  I come from the south where people are nice. If you're driving down an old country road and you pass someone, you wave. You say yes ma'am, yes sir. Fried chicken is a staple. Your mama will always be the best cook, hands down. Your grandfather will always have the best stories. We love our sweet tea. Football is where its at. And lastly (but not least!) when you have a friend, you know you can depend on them.

My family and I moved to California in July of 2010. I have met a lot of people in our three years out here. Some are nice. Some are chatty. Some talk about their husbands rank way too much. Some are liars and then there are those that want to be your friend just to gain a good gossip story that they can twist around. It's sad but true. I've noticed that this life is a bit like high school. But worse, if you can imagine. We're grown ass men and women and half of us spend 97% of our days just telling tall tales. What's the point? Where is it getting you?

I am not saying everyone is bad! That is actually the purpose of this blog entry tonight.

I've had a rough history of getting too close to people and ending up burned. You grow with someone in a friendship and you think that they will always keep all your secrets, listen to you, give sound advice and make you laugh. But then something happens and 'poof'.....it's over. Because of this, I keep my guard up a lot and only let a very select few people in.

I met Tanisha online three years ago. A mutual friend introduced us through Facebook. We added one another and occasionally talked via message but never officially met even though we were literally right around the corner from each other. To be totally honest, I was fearful of meeting her because, she intimidated the hell out of me! Tanisha just has this look about her that says,"I know who I am and what I am doing. I don't need your help." 

A year and a half later when I was moving back to California after spending a deployment back home in Alabama Tanisha and I finally met face to face. I went over to her house and the chemistry was instant. I have never met someone that I felt completely comfortable with that fast. Some would say its because we talked online and through text so much but I don't think so. We are exactly alike yet totally different if that makes any sense at all.


It's a rare occurrence when you find someone in this life that you just sync perfectly with. Especially when you've got children. You could get along great with someone but your kids bicker constantly, therefore putting a kink in your relationship. But not us. Our children have grown together and I am fortunate that Payton and Austin were able to make such good friends in Eli, Ayden and Asher. You have raised such amazing boys Tanisha!

Eli, Ayden & Austin 2012

Asher, Ayden, Payton, Austin & Eli July 4, 2013
They've grown so much!!

The time has come for the Montgomery family to move away from California though. Bigger adventures call their name and I couldn't be happier for them. I know that Chicago is gaining a terrific family and I wish you all nothing but the best. I pray that happiness consume your lives.

I am also, so very sad. In my three years here I have seen a lot of people come and go but it never bothered me much. That's because I was never close with those that left until now. I know that it's not goodbye forever. But right now it feels that way. Knowing that I can't just pop over to your house anymore is weighing me down. Who am I going to call to fight my battles because I am too chicken? You always were a great bodyguard T!

You have done so much for me I don't think I could ever repay you. From helping me through my entire pregnancy to just being a shoulder to cry on. You've never judged. You've always been direct with your opinion. You always know exactly where I am coming from. I am going to miss you like crazy Tanisha! I look forward to hearing about all the new Monty adventures. I love you!

Baby shower!

July 2013 :)

We will see each other again!

PAG

There is a girl I know that I must tell you about. We call her Payton (but her friends call her Pay Pay).

She is this little beauty that I have known for nearly nine years now. Her heart is full of innocence, imagination and love. How do I know her? Its simple really. I had a hand in bringing her into this world. She is my daughter. My first daughter. 

Ever since Payton made her journey into this crazy life we live in I've always known she was special. Most moms say things like that about their children but I have this gut instinct that she is going to do something absolutely phenomenal someday. So far she's not slacking. Payton is the reason I still believe in people. So many have let me down over the years and proven that they are not good. You begin to lose a little faith in humanity. But, how can you when sunshine lives in your household?

She is smart as a whip too! Her teachers have always raved about how incredible she is. It makes a mom quite proud to have a daughter like that. I attribute most of her brain to her father though. He's the genius in the family. I'm just the dreamer.

This year, this week...she starts the third grade. I can't believe she's growing so fast. 

A heart as big as the stars too! This girl would give her last dollar to a homeless person. She enjoys donating to cancer research and cries so much when people get hurt. She is an incredible big sister too and has a knack for defending her brother against cruel people. We all have our days and she certainly is no different. We are approaching teenage years and at times I can see a hint of the attitude I am going to have to face. No matter what she does, no matter how many mistakes are made I will always love her more than anyone else in this world. I vow to be her strength when she needs it. To try and shield her from the pain of bullies. To give her advice on boys. To be her shoulder when her friends let her down. To be that ear when she's ready to open up. I will forever be the best mother to my child. 

She's something silly thats for sure! Just today she was bouncing around the house singing songs from her favorite movies. And let me tell you, that girl LOVES to sing. Pitch Perfect songs are currently her favorite. Monster High dolls are the best toy. A laptop, facebook and iPhone are something she longs for - ha! Riiiiight! Deuce Gorgon is her "crush". Pink is the BEST color. Friends are her major priority. Dressing up in fancy clothes, wearing her mothers shoes and putting on dark lipgloss are things she enjoys far more than I like. 

We're getting to the age where she has bad influences. It's hard to try and steer her away from them. Especially when they are friends. I try my best everyday to remind her what is right and what is wrong. I also try my best to keep her in the know on things that I feel are age appropriate. I wonder what else she might know, that she hasn't shared with me. I know she's going to keep secrets and that is okay. It's normal for daughters to keep some things to themselves. I have to accept the fact that even though I want to always be her everything, I have to let her go and someday she will come back to me. 

But not yet! 

She's still my braid wearing, popsicle loving, doll having, Disney Princess toothbrush using, bicycle riding, tree climbing baby girl. And I am so thankful God let me be her mother.

hear you me.

It's been one year.

And yet it still feels like yesterday that I heard your voice. I still remember your smell. I can certainly remember the food you liked to eat. The soap operas you enjoyed watching. Desperate Housewives FTW - which I just finished watching for the second time in tribute to you. I even got Jb into it! I still smile thinking back on how kind your heart was. There wasn't a person in this world that had an ill feeling towards you. Sometimes you made us all a bit crazy but that was your job. You were the glue that held the family together.

Since you've been gone every thing has fallen apart. Nothing is the same and yet everything is exactly as it was. It's complicated. All of us suffer in our own way. We've got different coping mechanisms. Julio gambles, Krystan goes out a lot and tries to fight her dreams, mama has found God and mine is strength. I am quite strong in the face of all the sadness still hanging over our heads but inside I am a total mess. No one understands and I can't explain it. There's not a single person on this Earth I can share my feelings with. I don't really want too. Letting people in is harder for me now than it ever was before.

Is it sad that I still pick up my phone to call you? Whenever something life changing happens to me I've always known that you were the ONLY person I could call to get a positive reaction. Support. Love. Advice. No judgement. I haven't had that in 365 days. Its not fair.

And yet I am sitting here basically saying 'woe is me. poor me. sad Ashley.' Then again, you do have it better than all of us still stuck here on this planet. You're in heaven laughing it up with all the lost relatives and friends that left this world before you.

Last week my grandfather passed away. You remember him well. He was that mean old man who always liked to pick on you at the parties. He had Alzheimer's for a long time and suffered greatly. When Gail called to tell me the news I felt no sadness and at first that confused me because I've known that man since I was four years old. Then I realized that...I feel no heartache because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was his time. He needed to go. God finally ended his pain and now he could be happy.

It wasn't your time. You were so young, so beautiful. I only had 25 years with you. My kids only had 7, 4 and Teagan had none... I will try to keep your memory alive in them through photographs and old stories but it's not the same. The world is now without.

I am going to wrap this up because I don't like to let the sadness in. Just know that I will think of you always despite my inability to talk about you. You're in my heart forever Ann.

"If you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big. God wouldn't let it live."

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper

Cause somethings changed
You've been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
I never thought I'd say I'm fine

Without you.