taking it all one day at a time.

"They look ordinary, they lace up just the same, but it's not the boots that matter, it's my soldier in the boots that means the world to me. "

I read that quote and realized the countless times I have laid in the bed, watching my husband lace up his black boots. He has to wear them daily into work so its an everyday occurrence I get to watch. I noticed that they shine so bright you can practically see your face in the leather material. There are no scuff marks or mud because there can't be. Perfection is a single word to describe the wants of our United States Military.

We found out about two weeks ago that those boots wouldn't be in the house we share for much longer. Its news that every single military spouse, whether male or female, hates to receive. "Baby, I'm being deployed."

I can't explain the feeling too well of how I felt when he told me that but I'll do my best. I was standing at our stove, pushing some hamburger meat around in the hot skillet feeling rather giddy because it was spaghetti night and I love spaghetti. Especially my spaghetti. Getting my husband to agree to it is a task in itself so you can imagine my jubilation.

I saw him come inside looking troubled but he had complained earlier about a headache so I didn't bother with asking,"what's wrong?" as he went back to the bedroom to change out of his uniform and into something more comfortable. The kids were running around in the backyard, soaking up the last bit of heat from the sun before it'd set.

Then he came back and hopped up onto the counter to talk. His words were,"I got some news you're not gonna like," and I immediately felt this tightening in my chest thinking, no, not possible. But I should have known in the military everything is possible. He told me the news and at first, I laughed. But it wasn't in a elated, joyful way it was more of a I should have known way. The first words I asked were,"when do you leave?"

It was downhill from there. Soaking up all the information (or lack thereof) that he had to tell me. I stopped cooking and just rested my head into his lap for a bit to have a nice cry. But, the interesting thing about my being upset wasn't because I would be without him for this length of time. Sure, that's a terrible thing and I will more than likely cry more over that later but I was mainly concerned because our six year old is having her first dance recital the same month he leaves. Now he won't be able to watch her dance across that big stage for the first time. She won't have him there to love and support her. He won't give her flowers that I bought or kiss the top of her head and say how beautiful she looked.

And I wonder how she's going to react to this. Their relationship is strained as it is because the two can't connect on a single thing. She tries but, he just doesn't know what to do with a girl (even after 6 years of being her father). I worry that if he misses out on this, ontop of all the other things he's going to miss, that they'll get to this point of no return. I don't want that. My daughter is this amazing ball of life and curiousity. But she's scared of everything and bravery is not her strong suit. I need him for that. I need him to help me show her that this life has endless possibilities and no matter what happens you always have your family to fall back on. How can I tell her that though when he's not around?

Now we're faced with telling them the news and while we still have some time, it scares me to see their reactions. The youngest won't understand but our oldest will. I fear that disappointment will cross her perfect features and I'm not ready to handle that. I have to stay strong though so she has someone to fall back on. All parents do it though. They are their children's rock, so to speak.

I just wonder who is going to be my rock when I am unable to watch him lace those black boots.