Goodbyes are the hardest things.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

So I think I can safely say that our vacation 2011 was a success. All in all it wasn't that bad now that I think back on it. It just seemed daunting at the time because my son had his temper tantrums a few times (more like 3 times a day) during the trip. But I should have expected that. He is only three years old and has the attention span the size of a pea.

The first day was the best though! We hit Magic Kingdom. Everything was new and exciting. Payton was marveling over the colors, the castle, the shows, the princesses, Minnie Mouse and a few rides.

After that things just went a bit downhill but I think thats mainly because we barely had a moments rest on the "vacation." We were going and going until our feet couldn't keep us up. There were a few days where I was tuckered out. Feeling miserable and wanted nothing more than to lay in the hotel room.

Friday we got a good bit of rest after Payton visited the Bippity Boppity Boutique. I felt that was her 'reward' for putting up with a few too many spats from her little brother. She loved the pampering and being a diva for the day.

But I have been noticing lately she is alot like her daddy.

He isn't one for alot of attention yet I am. We are polar opposites JB and I. He is reserved while I am a massive extrovert who likes the light!

Its funny watching Payton and Austin. Austins so much like me. A good 70% of him is all me. Wild and spontaneous. While Payton is more a 60/40. The 40 being me. She likes attention but, not an intense amount of it. Its funny watching your kids grow and develop into these little human beings that are so much like yourself yet their own person.

I believe the best part of the trip was going home though. Things were more relaxed when we made it back to Alabama. Seeing family is always great, especially when they can lend a hand with the kids. I mostly loved being able to play 'Chachi' with my niece, Silver. It sucks that she's getting so much bigger and knows all these people more than she knows me. At least Krystan got a relationship established with my kids before we left. Silver doesn't even know me. We bonded over the 5 days I was able to see her but I know in 6 months, when I see her again (money pending) she won't even know who I am besides the fact that I resemble her mother.

The goodbyes are getting harder too.

When I visited in October it was rough but I held onto the hope that I'd see them soon enough. And I did see my mom and Julio in December. That was nice.

But when I went back in January for paw-paws funeral I realized that was a harder goodbye. I assumed it was based on the circumstances for my being there. But no, its just getting harder each time I go.

I've realized I have to just swallow back the emotions and think of the next time I am going to see them all rather than dwell on the goodbyes. If I do that, it makes it much harder.

I am glad to be back home and in a normal routine again. I just wish I could bring back everyone from home to here. I love California. Its fantastic! If I had to choose a place to settle down for life I could see myself choosing this area. Granted I could bring the fam over too.

Military life isn't all its cracked up to be. I believe all of us involved make sacrifices a normal person wouldn't be able to do. It made me feel good while we were on our vacation when this stranger thanked ME for being a spouse of someone in the military.

Normally its always JB getting the praise for serving and thats completely understandable. He IS serving this country. You rarely see someone giving props to the wives/husbands who stay at home with the kids though. It was refreshing and surely made my day that someone felt my work was just as important.

taking it all one day at a time.

"They look ordinary, they lace up just the same, but it's not the boots that matter, it's my soldier in the boots that means the world to me. "

I read that quote and realized the countless times I have laid in the bed, watching my husband lace up his black boots. He has to wear them daily into work so its an everyday occurrence I get to watch. I noticed that they shine so bright you can practically see your face in the leather material. There are no scuff marks or mud because there can't be. Perfection is a single word to describe the wants of our United States Military.

We found out about two weeks ago that those boots wouldn't be in the house we share for much longer. Its news that every single military spouse, whether male or female, hates to receive. "Baby, I'm being deployed."

I can't explain the feeling too well of how I felt when he told me that but I'll do my best. I was standing at our stove, pushing some hamburger meat around in the hot skillet feeling rather giddy because it was spaghetti night and I love spaghetti. Especially my spaghetti. Getting my husband to agree to it is a task in itself so you can imagine my jubilation.

I saw him come inside looking troubled but he had complained earlier about a headache so I didn't bother with asking,"what's wrong?" as he went back to the bedroom to change out of his uniform and into something more comfortable. The kids were running around in the backyard, soaking up the last bit of heat from the sun before it'd set.

Then he came back and hopped up onto the counter to talk. His words were,"I got some news you're not gonna like," and I immediately felt this tightening in my chest thinking, no, not possible. But I should have known in the military everything is possible. He told me the news and at first, I laughed. But it wasn't in a elated, joyful way it was more of a I should have known way. The first words I asked were,"when do you leave?"

It was downhill from there. Soaking up all the information (or lack thereof) that he had to tell me. I stopped cooking and just rested my head into his lap for a bit to have a nice cry. But, the interesting thing about my being upset wasn't because I would be without him for this length of time. Sure, that's a terrible thing and I will more than likely cry more over that later but I was mainly concerned because our six year old is having her first dance recital the same month he leaves. Now he won't be able to watch her dance across that big stage for the first time. She won't have him there to love and support her. He won't give her flowers that I bought or kiss the top of her head and say how beautiful she looked.

And I wonder how she's going to react to this. Their relationship is strained as it is because the two can't connect on a single thing. She tries but, he just doesn't know what to do with a girl (even after 6 years of being her father). I worry that if he misses out on this, ontop of all the other things he's going to miss, that they'll get to this point of no return. I don't want that. My daughter is this amazing ball of life and curiousity. But she's scared of everything and bravery is not her strong suit. I need him for that. I need him to help me show her that this life has endless possibilities and no matter what happens you always have your family to fall back on. How can I tell her that though when he's not around?

Now we're faced with telling them the news and while we still have some time, it scares me to see their reactions. The youngest won't understand but our oldest will. I fear that disappointment will cross her perfect features and I'm not ready to handle that. I have to stay strong though so she has someone to fall back on. All parents do it though. They are their children's rock, so to speak.

I just wonder who is going to be my rock when I am unable to watch him lace those black boots.