PAG

There is a girl I know that I must tell you about. We call her Payton (but her friends call her Pay Pay).

She is this little beauty that I have known for nearly nine years now. Her heart is full of innocence, imagination and love. How do I know her? Its simple really. I had a hand in bringing her into this world. She is my daughter. My first daughter. 

Ever since Payton made her journey into this crazy life we live in I've always known she was special. Most moms say things like that about their children but I have this gut instinct that she is going to do something absolutely phenomenal someday. So far she's not slacking. Payton is the reason I still believe in people. So many have let me down over the years and proven that they are not good. You begin to lose a little faith in humanity. But, how can you when sunshine lives in your household?

She is smart as a whip too! Her teachers have always raved about how incredible she is. It makes a mom quite proud to have a daughter like that. I attribute most of her brain to her father though. He's the genius in the family. I'm just the dreamer.

This year, this week...she starts the third grade. I can't believe she's growing so fast. 

A heart as big as the stars too! This girl would give her last dollar to a homeless person. She enjoys donating to cancer research and cries so much when people get hurt. She is an incredible big sister too and has a knack for defending her brother against cruel people. We all have our days and she certainly is no different. We are approaching teenage years and at times I can see a hint of the attitude I am going to have to face. No matter what she does, no matter how many mistakes are made I will always love her more than anyone else in this world. I vow to be her strength when she needs it. To try and shield her from the pain of bullies. To give her advice on boys. To be her shoulder when her friends let her down. To be that ear when she's ready to open up. I will forever be the best mother to my child. 

She's something silly thats for sure! Just today she was bouncing around the house singing songs from her favorite movies. And let me tell you, that girl LOVES to sing. Pitch Perfect songs are currently her favorite. Monster High dolls are the best toy. A laptop, facebook and iPhone are something she longs for - ha! Riiiiight! Deuce Gorgon is her "crush". Pink is the BEST color. Friends are her major priority. Dressing up in fancy clothes, wearing her mothers shoes and putting on dark lipgloss are things she enjoys far more than I like. 

We're getting to the age where she has bad influences. It's hard to try and steer her away from them. Especially when they are friends. I try my best everyday to remind her what is right and what is wrong. I also try my best to keep her in the know on things that I feel are age appropriate. I wonder what else she might know, that she hasn't shared with me. I know she's going to keep secrets and that is okay. It's normal for daughters to keep some things to themselves. I have to accept the fact that even though I want to always be her everything, I have to let her go and someday she will come back to me. 

But not yet! 

She's still my braid wearing, popsicle loving, doll having, Disney Princess toothbrush using, bicycle riding, tree climbing baby girl. And I am so thankful God let me be her mother.

hear you me.

It's been one year.

And yet it still feels like yesterday that I heard your voice. I still remember your smell. I can certainly remember the food you liked to eat. The soap operas you enjoyed watching. Desperate Housewives FTW - which I just finished watching for the second time in tribute to you. I even got Jb into it! I still smile thinking back on how kind your heart was. There wasn't a person in this world that had an ill feeling towards you. Sometimes you made us all a bit crazy but that was your job. You were the glue that held the family together.

Since you've been gone every thing has fallen apart. Nothing is the same and yet everything is exactly as it was. It's complicated. All of us suffer in our own way. We've got different coping mechanisms. Julio gambles, Krystan goes out a lot and tries to fight her dreams, mama has found God and mine is strength. I am quite strong in the face of all the sadness still hanging over our heads but inside I am a total mess. No one understands and I can't explain it. There's not a single person on this Earth I can share my feelings with. I don't really want too. Letting people in is harder for me now than it ever was before.

Is it sad that I still pick up my phone to call you? Whenever something life changing happens to me I've always known that you were the ONLY person I could call to get a positive reaction. Support. Love. Advice. No judgement. I haven't had that in 365 days. Its not fair.

And yet I am sitting here basically saying 'woe is me. poor me. sad Ashley.' Then again, you do have it better than all of us still stuck here on this planet. You're in heaven laughing it up with all the lost relatives and friends that left this world before you.

Last week my grandfather passed away. You remember him well. He was that mean old man who always liked to pick on you at the parties. He had Alzheimer's for a long time and suffered greatly. When Gail called to tell me the news I felt no sadness and at first that confused me because I've known that man since I was four years old. Then I realized that...I feel no heartache because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was his time. He needed to go. God finally ended his pain and now he could be happy.

It wasn't your time. You were so young, so beautiful. I only had 25 years with you. My kids only had 7, 4 and Teagan had none... I will try to keep your memory alive in them through photographs and old stories but it's not the same. The world is now without.

I am going to wrap this up because I don't like to let the sadness in. Just know that I will think of you always despite my inability to talk about you. You're in my heart forever Ann.

"If you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big. God wouldn't let it live."

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper

Cause somethings changed
You've been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
I never thought I'd say I'm fine

Without you.