You can't prepare for it.
You can't predict you're going to be alright.
You can't thoroughly plan your day so full so you don't think about it.
It's coming and when it does everything that comes along with it is catastrophic. You know what I am talking about. The dreaded D word.
Deployment.
You'd think that since this is our second deployment that we'd be semi-pros at this by now. Or at least experienced. But last time was different compared to this time. Last time I had the bright idea to pack up my two kids and dog and move back home with mama! I thought it was going to be perfect when in actuality it was far from it. What I did not notice at the time though was it surprisingly was beneficial for me because I was so busy fussing about this or that involving my family I didn't have much time to dwell on the real thing going on. That my husband was overseas for seven months doing all these different things in all these exotic countries.
This time we decided it was best to stay put in our home. Besides, I am five months pregnant and don't need to be traveling across the country anytime soon. We moved into a really nice, larger home as well with lots of unpacking to do so I figured this would be a cake walk. I'll spend my days unpacking, taking kids to school, socializing with friends, doing the t-ball/dance thing while we anxiously await our sweet baby Teagan to come in January. I never anticipated that I'd feel as much hurt as I do right now. And its not that I feel he's neglecting us or anything because I understand, duty calls. He has to answer it and do what they say. I just feel sort of...abandoned.
I've never been one to really show how I am truly feeling regarding situations like this - the tough things. And I still won't openly admit to how my head and heart are doing right now. Ill still give the "Oh Im fine" answer when people ask how I am doing. In all honesty, I couldn't even put into words how I am feeling. But one thing is true, it gets the worst at night. Making that walk up those stairs to an empty bedroom causes an ache inside. You don't realize how much you truly do love someone until they're not around.
When you have them beside you constantly you're always talking or bickering or doing minuscule things and forget to really appreciate how your heart swells and how much comfort you feel when they're there. One thing is true though...no matter how much that man irks me (and he does) I still love him with everything I have to give.
And although this is one of the hardest things a military spouse has to go through it will only make me love him more.
